Controlling the few things I could...because...well, don't ever let go.
I remember sitting by the fire on the deck in our dream house in WA. The house we built. We designed, we dreamed, we built. Literally. We were out for an afternoon drive one day and we pulled up this dirt road, walked forever up the trail and stood looking out. I looked at Dean and said "we will live here one day..." he laughed. Ummm not likely. And that's exactly where our house was built. By us. Yes we subbed much of it out, but Dean helped frame it, he roofed it and him and I installed all the hardwood and tile. What a wonderful feeling to build something with your own hands and really be a part of seeing a dream come to life. But now. Now here we were...with preparing to list our house. The house we were going to raise our family in, and as our daughter would say..."all your kids and grandkids will come home to"...yeah. That house. I grabbed a piece of paper to just write. And the words came. That everything I was desperate to hold on to...was holding us back. That it would be so very hard to just ... open my hand. Just...let...go. Yet my heart knew...that's where the freedom was.
As events unfolded over the next few months, my willingness turned to all out begging God to sell our house.
And it was true, letting go was what brought the most healing.
I've always said our story was about Surrender. I've been criticized along the way for not advocating for adoption when I had a platform to do so. Of course I'm for adoption. Clearly. But I never felt our story was about adoption. From the very beginning in 2009...God made it clear that our story was about surrender. I believed then, and I believe now...that not all of us are called to adoption. But every single one of us as Christ followers are called to surrender.
Never...ever...ever...ever could I have known or predicted just what that meant for our family. Surrender. I thought I could see it so clearly then. But no. Not even sort of.
The greatest surrender was to come.
One of the greatest motivators over the last year for me has been what I've heard my dad say often growing up. That we each will stand before God...alone. There will be no one to point to that they pressured me one way or another. No. Alone. When you are conflicted on what decision to make...I challenge you to get alone with God and enter in to that moment. Alone.
The second motivator was that we...I...will have to look into the eyes of my little girls for the rest of their life. Will they know we did everything humanly possible to help them heal? Or will we have to explain away obvious choices that had lasting effects...because well..."what would people have said had we done that...?"
Those two things have kept our vision clear. Standing before God alone for the choice we make ... and being able to look into the eyes of these precious little people as they navigate through deep trauma and pain in all the phases of life, that it will continue to surface.
I find my self wanting to still...hold on. Just grip a little tighter. When I know...and have learned through life's hardest lessons...that freedom comes in letting go.
This week I was reading and something really jumped out at me...Romans 4:18 (ESV) In hope, he believed against hope...no unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised.
I know what it's like to believe against hope.
And to still be fully convinced that God is able to do what He promised.
Traveling around the world to bring children into our family...? That was only the beginning. It's so much clearer now...our story really was about surrender. Giving Him full control. Opening our hands. Letting go.
My friend sent me this yesterday and I had chills from the start. I honestly wish I had seen this over a year ago.