Friday, September 2, 2011

Oh the chaos...

inside of me. What a strange ride we are on. Again.

So this morning when I wake up...Dean says "I had a dream..." and he proceeds to tell me about his dream of seeing an abandoned baby in a dumpster. And how everyone was looking at this baby but did nothing. You couldn't help b/c the child still had parents. He felt so helpless...

And then he said.. "I woke up singing part of the song you had in your head all day yesterday but a different part....it was "You're up to something ... bigger than me..."

Ok this is all very significant. We had JUST been talking about why is God speaking to me and not to him. Why is this so common in adoption that God speaks to the wife long before the husband. And because this was so not in our plans right now he said "I really want God to speak to me...I'm willing to obey...I just want to hear Him..."

So that's where it was left. Pray. Wait. See what God has in store.

On the contrary I woke up blank. Noticeably silent on the inside. It was an odd contrast to the last several days of being poked.

Then there's the emergency call I made to my friend Amanda to meet me for late night coffee. Where I promptly poured out my heart and we laughed and cried together. I just had to explode on someone with all this 'chaos inside of me'. I always said "we'll adopt from any country EXCEPT China" and "the next one will definitely be a girl" and "an infant, hopefully a newborn". The only thing that God kept in the equation so far is that we long for a cleft baby. That's it. Right now it looks like He's leading us to China. And for a child older than 1. And for a boy. With a cleft.

Ahhh. When will we learn...? I have to say, like the song, amid the chaos there's this very odd peace. Hard to articulate but it is so real.

Amanda asked me if I've gone to Lifeline's site (a Christian agency that she is adopting from). I hadn't even heard of it. I went and checked it out. I looked on the waiting list and saw 2 young boys with clefts. Cute kids. Then I went to another waiting list and saw 2 infant cleft girls. Ahhh. Perfect.

I called the coordinator with the agency and asked for info on the girls. She said No. They are only for families so far along in the process. She assured me they'd be LONG spoken for by the time you were that far along. Great. She said "have you thought of Ethan or Tommy?" I said no. I saw them but we feel strongly about a girl. She said she understood but that she wanted to send the files anyway of that was ok. I said fine. He's 2. Severe unilateral cleft lip and palate. Level 3. Same as Azlan. And scoliosis. Hmm. Same as Azlan. His story broke my heart. Is this from you God? He was left in a shoe box on the steps of a building downtown Maoming. The contrast of the pure joy in my heart when Azlan entered the world and what this sweet little baby felt was so great. Neglect. Abandonment. I showed his file to Dean who said "there was an odd peace looking at his file".

I called Lisa and asked for her to hold his file for us while we pray. She committed to praying for us too. This is too much to drink in. God...could you give us MORE direction? MORE answers?

Is he our child?

I've been reading in Proverbs, Job and Galations. I know weird mixture but I read a chapter of each, each day. Galations is done and I was going to move on to Ephesians when I felt this strong pull to read Jonah. That was odd. Jonah?? I know that story too well. It's hard to read a book you KNOW. It's hard to stay focused. So I started while feeding Izrael today. I had to catch up to my delay yesterday b/c Galations was already done and I was confused where to start next. So I read chapter 1 & 2 of Jonah.Except I read them twice. Ooops I kept wandering and realized I hadn't read a thing. So I reread. Hmmm...

Right aways in chapter 1...

1The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it b/c its wikedness has come up before me"
But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshesh....


Yes I know this story and scripture WAY too well but his was different. We had had very methodical talks about "ok if God is calling us to adopt from China surely He won't mind if we wait 2-3 months til we start...we could have this big chunk of debt paid off and we KNOW that's what God wants....right...so yes we are NOT saying NO we are saying YES...we'll pray about it...YES we'll start in a few months. UNLESS He shows us "no, RIGHT NOW" but thats unlikely..."

Chapter 2.

verse 8.
Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving will sacrifice to You.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord.

And the Lord commanded the fish and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.


I think my heart stopped and my mouth dropped.

Yes we are talking about good things like paying off debt and getting ahead. But I have idols in my heart too. We are on a path to financial comfort and we can finally foresee trips with our kids and family things and...not going materialistic at all but just enjoying life more...

Idols...?

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

Wow. But .. with a song of thanksgiving I will sacrifice to you.

Oh it will take sacrifice. Can we do this with thanksgiving? We don't want to forfeit anything. God ... help my unbelief.

I closed my Bible. And quickly opened it again. I read it all again. This is the 3rd time. This is Jonah INSIDE the belly of the fish...in full repentance. My heart is it there...? The trusting God on another huge faith journey....? Not stressing about where $27000 is going to come from...? Sacrificing OUR goals...? Letting go of our "worthless idols"....? Is that what they are, God..? Worthless idols? To stop and move towards the 'least of these'....the infant left in the dumpster...the one thrown out like garbage b/c of the facial deformity....this is what you want of us? Now?

I closed my Bible.

I had a jump in my steps. He's moving...oh...He's moving. I can feel it...He's waiting for that full surrender to open the floodgates. He's got a plan. Am I willing to sacrifice my plans for His...?

It feels like chaos...yet somehow there's peace.

Oh he's calling us to something. He's moving inside of us and He's moving fast.

"I could choose...not to move.."

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