Friday, February 17, 2012

Nothing breaks me more.

Than this little face. Little Taizi Fu'An ...ahhh...

weight: 8.8kg 19lbs 6.4 oz (he will be 3 years in June...he's tiny)
height 80cm 31.5 inches
head 48.5cm
chest 47.5cm
foot 11cm 4.3 inches
teeth 13

It's funny to see the different emotional reactions I have with each child. With Zihao ... I smile and my heart smiles. He exudes pure joy. With Taizi.... my heart breaks. Instantly when we see a photo or even just talk about him I have a lump in my throat. We were talking about them last night and Dean saw the reaction. He said "you love the broken" was an interesting conversation. Did I have more feeling with Azlan as a baby? I adored our babies. Then there was something different with Azlan. Not more love. A different emotional pull. He was a picture to me of imperfection in the ultimate perfection-focused society. His beauty was real and raw and my love for him was as well.

I'm the same way with adults. Last night we saw a grown man who's one ear was identical to Azlan's. It stuck way out and was deformed to the same extent as Azlan's. Just something off. But very noticeable. Instantly looking at him I could feel the lump in my throat. Was he teased his whole childhood?

The song that came to mind this morning as I was so excited to see the new photos of Taizi is Toby Mac's "Get back up".

There's a line in the song that kept coming to me this morning.. and I love it.

"..This is LOVE calling...Love calling...
out to the broken ...
this is Love calling...Love calling...."

Then it ends with this...

"This is Love calling...Love calling...
I am for broken...
This is Love calling..."

Ahh. He is for broken. I know His heart breaks for the broken too. Emotionally broken. Physically broken. Heart broken. Definitely spiritually broken. He came for the broken.

My heart says he is deaf. There is something in his eyes that is very empty. Something that reminds me of Azlan yet so much more. He looks like he's living in silence to me. Pray for our boy. are beautiful. You break this heart of mine. You look so broken in every way. Physically broken. Emotionally broken. Desperate for love. This is Love calling...out to the broken.


  1. Janice, I know God will help you to put the pieces back together in the best way possible for little Taizi. Praying for your little boy.
    (While I was writing this I overheard Chloe singing a little made-up song, "God doesn't look at us on the outside, He looks at us on the inside." How fitting.

  2. He is coming to the exact home God chose for him! BTW, he IS tiny!

  3. What a perfect, precious boy. So blessed to have a mama that loves him so much already!