Sunday, March 18, 2012


This has been on my mind a lot this last week because with Dean gone..there were 2 nights I was home alone (the sister was here). From breakfast I can feel the tightening in my stomach dreading the night to come. It's not a slight anxiousness it is real fear. It has the power to completely control me. Yes I know it's wrong and I don't shrug that off with a "this is the way I am". It's not who I is my struggle. In many areas of my life, fear would be my downfall. I do know it's not from God because the Bible says that. That's enough of a reason to make me very serious about addressing it head on. I hate it.

Fear comes in all sizes. Some are big and obviously scary and bad. Some are oh-so-innocent looking and come as 'slight stress' or 'anxiety'. It's all the same ugly thing underneath...fear.

I think people on the outside think I lack this completely. Yes we jump into the unknowns with full faith and confidence in God but it doesn't mean we don't daily battle fear. It never leaves without a surrender. Ever. Last night ... reminding me of the awful flight home from
Africa...I surrendered. what if the unthinkable happens and I'm home alone...ok...let's go to the next thought. What then? I'm going to live my life in peace and in Peace til the very end. Even in the unthinkable...I am truly never alone. Tirzah said the other night "I just imagine any bad guy coming to our house and seeing all the angels around our house with fire...and running away!" That child has beautiful pure faith. It's just fact to her.

Again I was challenged with how much comfort I take from what I can see vs what is unseen. Sad...really....

This all hit me when Tirzah cuddled up close to me in bed last night and said "I'm so glad I'm sleeping with you while daddy is make me feel so safe..." and my eyes widened as I suddenly was hit with the thought that I am safety to her...and to our 6 other children. They feel instant peace when I am there. And laying there in constant surrender mode of letting go of this fear that wants to eat me alive.

As a parent does that ever hit you? You are now that parent that eases every worry and concern. Instant peace for your child b/c they are with you. It was like I could hear my Father should feel the same. Instant peace b/c I'm right here.

When people say "what if Taizi has much more serious medical concerns than you are aware of ...?"

"What IS his diagnosis....exactly....?"

"Are you all learning sign language in case....?"

"Are you going to homeschool ALL of them....?"

"Are you fearful...?"

I surrender. This is bigger than us. Bigger than me. This isn't little ol' Dean and Janice trying to save the world. This is a God in Heaven who has watched every sparrow fall to the earth...nothing unnoticed. Every single orphan of the over 3 million in 40,000 Chinese orphanages. Every single child who cries out with no words to articulate the hunger for food...the deep longing in their soul for love....
It is a beautiful thing when you read that even the sparrow has a Father in Heaven who watches it fall to the earth. Not one child has gone unnoticed. And in His sovereign plan...His eye on little Tai Fu' An and Mao Zhong Hua....He called us to step out of fear...

Fear of what will people say...? And they say.

"How will you pay for college?"

"Do you have any idea what you are doing?"

"I don't think you can give that many children adequate love."

"Are you thinking long term..? It's easy having 9 children (??) but what about when they are teens?"

"Just how many kids are you guys going to have anyways?"

I could list the comments on and on...

God has not given us a spirit of fear. Fear God. Not man.

I think the first fear that had to die for me when we said yes to this adoption...was the fear of man. Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Isaiah 51 was very powerful in helping me address my fear of man:

verse 12:
I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
that you forget the Lord your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor,
who is bent on destruction?
For where is the wrath of the opporessor?
The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;
they will not die in their dungeon,
nor will they lack bread.
For I am the Lord your God,
who churns up the sea so that it's waves roar~
the Lord Almighty is His name.
I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you with the shadow of my hand ~
I who set the heavens in place,
who laid the foundations of the earth,
and who say to Zion, "You are my people".

It gives me chills just typing it out. That's the One that I choose to fear. He wins.

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