Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I really don't want to do this :(

Tonight I go to start Azlan's IV meds. I swear I listened like a hawk today and took mental notes but really it takes more than 1 hour to teach nursing students the art of using an IV and I was taught in an hour.  And then left alone to really do it on my child.

I messed this up big time. I can't even tell you all of what I did wrong but there was blood pouring out and I freaked. I put the stop on it and called home health. The nurse parked on the sidewalk and ran in my door...yah...it was a really bright moment. He looked at me like 'seriously...? blond!" well. Not really but that's what I was feeling. The blood was clotted and it took him 2 things of saline and 1 of the other stuff (see...?) to clear it.

He left and I cried. Maybe I can't do this?  I feel like a total failure that I messed it up and yes ... my expectations for myself are always high...and I'm quite transparent about what I'm NOT good at....blood is one of them.  I can never look at a needle or IV or an open wound. Dean has shown me his cut hand and I've had to hold onto the chair or I'd faint...  so in saying all that I'm really stepping out of my zone here!  I'm cleaning this wound which is awful for me to look at ... I'm pushing saline into my child's body when I know that tubing goes directly to his heart...and ... I'm...well...doing it.

On a lighter note...I love this boy. The unexpected gift of the infection was 3 nights and 4 days completely uninterrupted Mama and Azlan time.We colored, giggled on the bed, told stories and made movies.  It appears as though it's not serious but it could have been. That's all you need to get your focus onto what really matters and how life can turn upside down...in a moment.

In one conversation ... laying on Azlan's hospital bed, he told me something and I was really trying and said "ok say it again" and he looked at me and said "mama...you aren't listening..." I laughed and promised him I was but it was hard for me to understand what he was saying. I asked him to say it again and I'd try harder.  He was so cute.  I asked if it's frustrating that sometimes we don't understand what he's saying and he said "wellll....it's not frustrating that you don't understand me...it's frustrating that you don't listen.  Especially Daddy...he doesn't listen".  Ok I'm now really laughing. He was so sincere and had the cutest smile.  I assured him we are trying and will try harder ;)

Later last night we were hanging out on his bed and he asked for a snack claiming he was 'starving'.  I went and got him a snack and when I came back he looked up at me with the cutest grin and said "i just can't believe you got me white milk! Mama...white milk is for cereal ... I wanted chocolate milk!" the nurse was laughing. Yah..I guess 4 days in the hospital he was having chocolate milk around the clock...and no longer was interested in the boring stuff ;)

When he was getting his IV I told him "you are awesome" as he was starting to cry. I said "am I awesome...?" he said "wellll..sure." I said "hey...what do you mean...? and if I am why don't you just say 'Mama you are awesome!' " he was so cute. I was trying to distract him from this awful IV insertion...he was like "welll...sometimes you are awesome. But not all the time".  Straight shooting from Azlan. He tells you like it is.  He used to always say "I like your shirt" and if he didn't like it, he'd say it too :)

Tonight we have a little boy on the mend.  He's a gift.  This little boy opened my eyes to true love and I just adore the gift of Azlan Honor.



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