Sunday, May 6, 2012
Whatever "it" is....is ok. Inst the most beautiful part about the Christian walk ...surrender...? The fact that in the end of all my trying ... I'm simply not in control. You can have a complete break down because things didn't go as you planned... Or you can do your best... And surrender to God. We just did the wound change tonight. I'll be honest I felt like I was just kicked in the stomach. There was a lot of pus. All around the screw. Azlan wants to see it everytime we change the bandage...which is great because it makes my awkward picture taking... Not so awkward. I have this totally tracked by photo progression because he wants to see it. My heart sank. I laid my head on his feet in the bed. The nurses finished the dressing. They left the room and I walked to the window -- looked up to the heavens and cried. This is my dream. Our dream. Don't You know I've fought and advocated for our son for 5.5 years for this...? This is our dream for Azlan. To give him a world of sound... At such a critical age for speech development. For making friends. For social development. For learning to read in school. This is it... I even blogged about that a few weeks ago. I surrender. This is out of our control. We went above and beyond what we were told to do in post op care for Azlan. He still developed an infection. Even now this weekend... My ENT said its fine. Relax. Come in Monday. We pushed. We did it right. We are still here. It's ok. It's really ok. There's a baby in the next room with Spina Bifita. We walked into the cancer ward by mistake today. This reminds of the story about Zion last week. How he prayed that he knew it was a small thing in light of what God sees and hears everyday... Yet it was a big deal in that moment to him. Well that's me tonight. And in the end... It's ok. He's ok. I'm ok. We're ok. It's ok. I'm a realist. Straight talk. I need to accept tonight that we may have to remove the implant and surrender that dream for now. It's ok. Sure... There's chance things turn around by tomorrow. And if so... I'll be thanking God. But here's the truth.. If not...I'll still be thanking God. It's...ok.