Saturday, October 13, 2012

Moments

Dean asked me how I'm doing today and the only thing I could think of was "I feel like I was given 2 weeks to live and I can't possibly savor each moment enough".

As I said it...I entered into it.

Wow.

Can you imagine?

I'm not a country girl but it reminds me of the song "Live like you were dying" and Tim McGraw talks about "someday I hope you get the chance...to live like you were dying".

Everything changes.

Perspective.

Ok why do I feel this way?

 Because I now know...twice...what it feels like to get on a plane to go to the other side of the planet.  Leaving your children behind.

First time...I had no clue.

Second time...I cried most of my flight to Africa.

This time...I feel sick at the thought.

I went in the pantry last night and fell to the floor crying.  Please...can I not go?  Can I just change my mind? Please don't make me go through this again.  Yes I know this is your plan. Yes I want to bring our babies home.  Please don't make me leave ... please...

And I just sat and sobbed.

I know I'm going.

I know I have to go.

This whole thing was about surrender.

Someone said to me recently "if it's surrender...why are you excited about bringing the children home? Surrender is against your will. And actually...if you do anything against your will...you will just be bitter.  Is this really surrender....?"

Woah.

Ok...not sure how surrender works for you. But for us...it's waving the white flag.

Total. All out. Heart. Soul. Surrender.

And in that moment...the most amazing thing happens.

His excitement becomes mine.  I can see in His heart.  His will...becomes mine.

Surrender.

When I said "No" it was against my will.

Surrender is the act of letting go of your will.

Not my will.

Yours.

Are we excited? Over the moon.

Total surrender.

Why?

Because He made it crystal clear.  Clear as in there's not a sliver of doubt in our minds...clear.  That this is what He was asking of us.  And we had a choice.  When that became clear...everything changed.

Well...here we are. At the end of this phase of the journey.

I know it's coming soon. We are going to China. I'm ecstatic.

Yet I don't want to go.

I want it to all be behind us already.  Let's fast forward.  Let's already be home.  Reunited with our family.

The non-ending lump in my throat.  The knot in my stomach.  The way my heart hurts. At the thought of leaving our family.

Surrender.

I'm always at this place.

Ok Lord.  Ok.

Today I took Azlan and Tirzah on a mama-date.

I date at least one child every weekend.

It's amazing.  Not expensive.  It's the moments.

We got a little ice cream.  We sat by the fountain and we talked.  I laughed.  I savored every moment. Trying to take mental pictures of Tirzah's sparkle in her eye and the way she ate her ice cream.

After waiting for what feels like forever for this TA. Now what...34 days come Monday...I feel like I'm now afraid to hear it's time to go.  Talk about a torn heart! Few moments in my lifetime will rival the moment of meeting Taizi and Zihao for the first time.  I think about it...and I cry.  I cannot wait.  To be looking at the child that the God of Heaven chose...the one He saw...the one He heard...the one He chose...that is incredibly humbling and emotional.

Hold my heart, God. Hold my heart.





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