Monday, October 29, 2012

My heart hurts.

Tonight Chazano was acting exactly like when I went to have baby Izrael.  Spaced. Baby talk. Wringing his hands as he's talking. Staring off in space.  Wouldn't talk. :(  This is what happens when he's scared.

I dragged out the putting-Azahria Peace-to-bed-process as long as I could just to savor it.  She painted me a massive picture tonight of her and Mama with silly hats with grabber arms.  I cried.

I packed Azahria's bag. And Chazano, Zunduka and Zion's are close to being ready.

Dean has been working since before we all got out of bed this morning.  It's 9:23pm right now and he's still not home.  Good news is tomorrow he won't be working.

Our good friend that is watching our kids came over to talk some final things this afternoon. I had a lump in my throat when she left.

My heart is in a total state of conflict.

The constant advice we are being given is to "truly enjoy your trip".  I think my friends know me well. I'm leaving half of my heart behind ... on the other side of the bring the rest of it home.

The only peace I feel inside is that we are bringing the 'neediest' two of our children.  I would be sobbing right now if we were leaving Azlan and Izrael home.  They would struggle the most.  The 5 we are leaving are so beyond excited be staying with the Hills.  They adore our kids and their greatest goal is for our children to have 3 weeks of amazing memories. How beautiful is that...?
Remember that "would be sobbing" thought...? Well. Yah. Nevermind...:(

If I didn't know that I know...that I know...that this is right exactly where God wants us to be...doing right exactly what God wants us to do...bringing home right exactly the children God chose to be in our  family....then I'd be questioning my sanity right now for leaving our family...again.

To those of you following our journey...please pray for us.  Pray for our children. All of our children.  For their hearts. All of them. Those that stay behind ... those that come with...those that we will be soon meeting for the first time.  For our safety...and for very smooth skies. That's for real.  The God that the wind and seas obey...would calm the skies for this trip.  For God's hand over every part of our journey in every part of our family.

From our hearts...thank you.


  1. I didn't sleep well last night, and each time I woke up I thought of you and your family and prayed for you. Praying that you will know His peace and His joy.
    Love in Him,

  2. Oh my friend. For each of you -- I am praying. For your smooth skies... for the thousands of details to work smoothly in China... for the hearts and attitudes of each of your children (and Mom & Dad of course) during this time of separation and change... for the precious boys you are meeting face to face - especially Zihao leaving the only family he has ever known... oh great - now I'm crying too. God's plan is always best - He is with you every step of the way. Can't wait for your Thanksgiving day - what a day it will be!
    Praying you there and back.... much love. x0x

  3. Praying for you all as you continue your faith journey. May His peace be with you all.
    Elizabeth S-G xo

  4. Thank you all. It means a lot to us that you are taking the time to follow our family's journey and to pray for us.

  5. As I read your list of things to pray for in this posting I couldn't help but think how blessed we are that, though the list is great, our God is greater and in the words of the hymn "'Tis His great delight to bless us". I'm thankful that you don't live in the northeast US right now - making this trip would be impossible from there tomorrow.
    My heart hurts when I think of you leaving children behind - that used to be so difficult for me going on business trips with my husband. We would take the baby and leave the other two, then three, then four behind.
    Will be praying and look forward to reading about the whole family over the next few weeks.
    God bless - Hazel

  6. I believe this is the hardest part, saying Goodbye the ones that have been waiting this journey with us all along and they need us so much. But I am learning, that while my children do "need" me, they really Need God more. He will use this time to show himself to them and to You. It will be hard, painful and sorrowful, but there will be joy in the morning.
    I will be praying and thinking of you, following your blog, excited to see what God has for you on the other side of the world. Can you believe you are traveling to the other side of the world??
    I sit next to my own Chinese little boy, whom we brought home just 11 months ago, 3 weeks until our first gotcha day. And your heart reminds me of mine and my fears and worries. I can tell you that our son is doing so well and it was so worth it. And the airplane ride for me was torture too! I thought we were going to die at one point due to the horrible turbulence.
    But I just sang songs to the Lord and he calmed me, He will hold you in his hand. He brought you this far, you know, look at that, not at your circumstances.
    Feel like I have know and I don't but I am praying.
    In Christ

  7. Praying for you as you go and get your boys! So exciting that the moment for travel is finally here!
    Phil 4 v6&7
    "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
    Looking forward to hearing how the trip progresses