Saturday, November 17, 2012

The rest of the story.

When we arrived in Shanghai I didn't feel very well. But flying for a full day on no sleep...it all made sense.  However there  was this nagging feeling that ... well...something wasn't right.

Nanjing. Every morning I chose foods that would sit in a very off-stomach. Fruit.  All day I would be trying to maintain my composure and keep my mind off how I was feeling. I am actually good at that ;)

We fly to Guangzhou. I'm worsening.  I'm very very sick.

A very familiar sick.

Life has been busy lately. I'm rather clueless as to being late on anything but once I think about it...I panicked.

We went to a pharmacy and I grabbed a pregnancy test.

I have never seen a positive appear so quickly in my life.

And I cried.

Unlike every other positive I've ever seen...I wasn't crying tears of joy.  I cried. Cried.

What...? Pregnant?

I could not believe it.

I know you are probably thinking...you have 9. What's 10? Perhaps you are not shocked. But we are. SHOCKED.

Because even though we have 5 biological children (and lost 3 pregnancies)...we have not only had to 'try' but had to try with medication each time. The only baby without medication was Izrael. It was a very specific surrender...God told us no meds and that month a miracle happened. Izrael Promise.  Our promise baby.

The same horrific pain every month resumed and the same knowledge that we would need medication if we ever chose to go for number 10.

Yes I've talked about not sure if we were done.  But I'm young.  2 years?

We are IN China. Adopting 2 children. One with very severe special needs.

I'm throwing my guts up.

Trying to go on group tours, the many smells of China...constantly gasping for air, controlled breathing...projectile vomiting on a bus full of adoptive families would be rather awkward...don't you think?

And the day I blogged about SURRENDER...I wasn't preaching at you.  I was pouring out my own heart.  When Gwen wrote her comment in the comment section of Surrender post it really hit me. She said if only we'd give up our fear of what others think and embrace this crazy life God has planned for us...

I knew then.  And boy did I have to surrender my heart. Each morning I woke praying it was all a dream. Some random, funny, never-would-or-could-happen...dream. And every morning I woke slammed with the reality that this was no dream. This was our reality.

I kept hearing God whisper..."Janice...who are you that you mourn so deeply at the loss of 3 babies ... and now you grieve at the gift of life?  Not your time? It's all about you? Your plans? Your schedule? This isn't about you..." and my heart would buckle.  Clearly a miracle. Just not delivered on my schedule. At all.

If I were one of you that never felt better than when you are pregnant...this would be much much easier to accept that...9 months from now...we are expanding. But no. I'm so terribly sick that it's a daily surrender.  I've never struggled with it when it was my timing. My plan. My control.   But this is anything but.  (I do go on medication but I'm kind of without that here).

We were going to wait a few months and announce it later and we thought...since you are walking this journey with us...maybe you should know the rest of the story.

So yes. When I ate that chicken that had squacked its way to the kitchen in Zihao's foster home...I wasn't just holding my stomach for obvious reasons...I was very very sick. And I ate it. :)  And I forced myself to not think about it.

How many times we've gotten off the bus and I've raced ahead of Dean and the kids in the hotel room to the bathroom...I'm not sure.  And I sit here typing this with goosebumps. The familiar chill and head to toe nausea...that I recently thought "I'm not ready to go through that again for a very very long time".  yah. Well. Here I am.

And at the end of the day...it's Him we trust.  So we are trying to smile about it. We embrace life.  This one must be extra special.

Oh. Don't post about this on facebook.  Let people come and read about it here :)  

Consider yourself to now know...the rest of the story.

32 comments:

  1. I love that you are about SURRENDER. Each one of your children is a blessing and their lives are a gift! Your story is so encouraging! Looking forward seeing His plans come to fruition in the lives of all your littles! <3

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  2. Such AMAZING news!! I will continue to pray that the sickness gets better! But Janice LOOK at this trip and the blessings it has been for you, those AMAZING boys that you are changing theirs lives and for all of us that you share this story with! God is using you in a HUGE strong way and that is VERY clear! This is the PERFECT time..it is HIS time! We LOVE you like crazy! ....and if you need a nanny, I will pack my 3 up and make it 13!! :)

    Alisa Netti <3

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  3. Wow!!! So wow ;) Once again I so appreciate your honesty. I can tell you I would have cried too ..lol! Such a roller coaster of emotions you have encountered on this journey to China and now to imagine adding hormones&nausea..oh my!! Plus especially knowing Taizis special needs & extra care that will be needed. What a totally human reaction to cry. Its overwhelming! However, this is an even bigger plan than expected and as Azlan has shown, you have a whole family of helpers waiting at home :) I can't believe this news for your family! Who knows... You guys may have your own reality show someday ;)

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  4. You are an encouragement and a blessing!! I am forever thankful we got to meet in China. Love hearing the honesty of your heart and your ultimate decision to surrender your own agenda (not like you are a control person or anything like that! Ha!). Yes, this one must be very special indeed.

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  5. Julie... :)

    So so glad we got to meet! Katee is a doll and you guys are just wonderful to be around!

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  6. Congratulations to you and you're beautiful family! I agree this one will be very special. Hoping you start to feel better soon, you are truly admirable! Take Care, Debbie

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  7. Janice, I've been following your journey every day, praying for you, your husband, and every single one of your sweet children. I, too, am one if those "sickly" when pregnant. Ooh my-you have my utmost respect and admiration. I distinctly remember those very strong aromas on the streets of China. I'm praying extra now for a calmness in your belly so you can make it through the remainder of your trip without being miserably sick. I know we've never met but I'm sending hugs to you right now! Bless you!!

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  8. Thanks for telling us. We are here for you and pray for courage and strength. I think that in surrender, God continues to expand our need of Him alone. He enlarges our hearts and our borders. He pushes us through things that on our own, we would have stopped at. We are with you Janice, with love, care and prayer.

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  9. Janice I just adore you and the way you look at life. What an amazing blessing for you and your family. Congratulations!
    I can't imagine how much harder this whole trip is for you with all the things going on inside your body. <3

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  10. All I can say is, "Children are a gift, a blessing." You have had faith, followed, and surrendered. He gave you new life. What miracle! To conceive without meds....amazing! You are an amazing mother, and this will be another beautiful Walker baby! My prayers are with you...hoping for relief from the sickness. Can you imagine if you hadn't listened to your gut about bringing Azlan and Miss Izrael? What a help they have been! There is always a reason He puts these things on our heart...now you know the "why" behind it! :)

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  11. Wow, just wow! I cannot even imagine. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey so openly. You're a wonderful example of surrendering. Listening, obeying, following.

    Have you looked for some vitamin B 6 supplements - they are supposed to help morning sickness, and should be available in any drugstore, even in China (I'd think?)!

    Congratulations, mommy! You're obviously a great one with all of the wonderful children God has entrusted to your care!

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  12. What a wonderful end to this incredible journey :-) I'm feeling your pain...I had hyperemesis gravidarium with Ez and was admitted to hospital because the vomiting just would not stop!! I can hardly imagine being in China of all places when you're body is trying to settle into growing a new baby...but oh I am so excited for you :-) WOW - Even though at times it seems like we can't handle what God gives us, He gives us the strength to get through each day at a time. Praying for your strength and for this precious little peanut as you get ready to start the long journey home xo
    (P.s..get some diclectin in you as soon as you get home :-))

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  13. oh... wow...!! Congratulations Janice & Dean! :)
    Others here have said it best, so I add my 'amen'... Praying for you to be able to take one day at a time as God gives it to you... and for your sickness to ease up a bit for the trip home. I don't get crazy sick with my pregnancies (all.... TWO! ha) but just thinking of how tired I've been both times makes me wonder how you've kept up this crazy busy schedule! Supernatural strength supplied... :) God has led you this far - He remains faithful. Love you!!

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  14. Cameron and Erin St. ClairNovember 18, 2012 at 12:38 PM

    Oh Janice...I just bursed into tears...and I'm not sure really why. I, too, get extremely sick and have to go on medication and sometimes have had to be admitted into hospital. Praying for extra special blessings and care for your whole family. Big hugs.

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  15. Oh, my dear friend....you are one tough cookie! It is very clear that you are not in control, as much as you try to be, your surrender is a beautiful thing! I am praying for you and Dean and for an uneventful pregnancy. xoxoxo

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  16. For nausea ....you're in China, look into Traditional Chinese Medicine. Ginger root tea, raspberry leaf tea, peppermint or spearmint tea. Also, pressure points 'P6' will reduce stomach tension. Eat little and often to maintain blood sugar levels. Truly a miracle <3

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  17. I am somewhat speechless after reading today's post. I feel like a "congratulations" and a "sympathy card" are both in order :) Along with praying for your family in China, and your family in the US, I will now start praying for your littlest blessing... your unborn child. I will also pray especially for you, that God will give you the physical, emotional, and spiritual strength needed to mother a family of ten kiddos. Your story of surrender is touching, inspiring, and convicting all at the same time. Thanks for sharing.

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  18. Thank you all for praying. I'm sicker each day I wake up and that's getting pretty hard. I'm at the point of giving up food...? Yes yes I know I need to eat but it's an awful way to eat :(

    No sympathy cards. He is good. Always good.

    A friend wrote me and said 'He took a baby in Africa and gave you one in China...what a miracle". I had never thought of that.

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  19. Tears come to my eyes as I imagine the roller coaster this must feel like to you. What a special life God has chosen you for. I know he has a unique plan for us all. But a life of complete surrender? Where's the stopping in what God can do and how he can show his power and might. Love you so much. Nicole.

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  20. Congratulations...will be praying for you especially on the trip home. I found out I was pregnant with Aimee in Ukraine and struggled with the different smells, food, flights, etc. Exiting news...thanks for sharing! Helen

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  21. Congratulations, Janice & Dean!! I know this wasn't expected but what a wonderful blessing!! Praying you feel better!

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  22. Thank you all for your kind words. We have known now since we arrived in Guangzhou pretty much...however I'm getting sicker and sicker. Today we found b6 and i have some unisom thats my concoction. Must take a while to work :( I stayed home today so Dean and boys went out. Thank you for praying...please keep doing so.

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  23. Congratulations Janice & Dean!! I have to admit, that when Ginny told me today that you were expecting, I was in disbelief! What an amazing journey you guys are on!! We'll be praying that the morning sickness gets better... and that the rest of your trip goes well!

    God bless,
    Adam & Ginny

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  24. Janice,
    I feel your pain. I too had bad, bad sickness for each of my 7 pregnancies. I can only imagine the overwhelmed feeling you must have at times right now. But at the same time the wonderful joy of knowing that the Lord is knitting a blessing for you right now!! How amazing He is. We will not be having any more natural born children, only through adoption for our family now. So it is with excitement for you and a tinge of pain for me that I won't experience what you are any longer, even the sickness...Try hard to rejoice while you hover over that toilet, know that you are a mama to 3 new babies today!! I am thrilled for you.
    Praying you get through the rest of the trip, easily.

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  25. Oh. My. Word. What a miracle! Love the realization that He took one in Africa and gave you one in China. Knowing how bad I feel with my morning sickness and that yours is a million times worse...I will definitely be praying for you! After all, if He can give you this child, He can sustain you :) Only a few more days and you will be home (where there is medicine!!!!) and with all your kiddos...When I think of all the Lord has done with your family and all He will do the word that comes to mind is joy...there is a supernatural joy and delight that shine through your family with all this surrender...love you friend!!!!! :)

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  26. 'He took a baby in Africa and gave you one in China...what a miracle' - I love this comment, as I was thinking the same thing. The wonderful thing about being able to trust God and surrender to Him is knowing that He already has a plan for this little one. I get excited thinking about what possibly could come as a result of the timing of when this baby was conceived and when s/he is born.
    I will be praying that the nausea will decrease and you will be able to make it through the last few days in China and be able to enjoy to the fullest.

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  27. That is so amazing! Congratulations and praying you start to feel better. God's plan are far better than ours!

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  28. Stacey I was given fresh ginger root to boil but the problem is NOTHING has been able to go in my mouth except sprite. I get so bad that none of those 'helps' work b/c I'm too sick to eat / drink them.

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  29. Dear friend! I was sick and haven't been able to keep up with your blog the last few days and then I came and caught up with everything and read this news! Praying for grace from God, feeling joy with you, and so, so glad you will be home tomorrow. Every day I think to myself how many days you have left until you are home with all nine - TEN - of your children. Love you!!

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  30. Janice,I am so sorry you are so sick and can't take in food. I am praying for you!
    What a miracle for you (even if it was not in the cards you were looking at). God knows you can handle it, otherwise He would not have placed them in your hands.
    What a blessing for your family :) You have a very busy road ahead but I know everything will work out. If you need anything, let me know. :) BTW....CONGRATULATIONS!!!

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  31. I am clearly behind in my reading of your blog. So excited for you, Dean and the kids. And definitely praying for increased health and comfort for you... Plus your home now so I'm sure that will help.

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  32. I'm catching up.:) I was in South Africa for a bit, and couldn't access anything. I will… am praying for you Janice. You and Dean and your family have been such a blessing and encouragement. Joy and thankfulness at your news!xo Carmel

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