When we arrived in Shanghai I didn't feel very well. But flying for a full day on no sleep...it all made sense. However there was this nagging feeling that ... well...something wasn't right.
Nanjing. Every morning I chose foods that would sit in a very off-stomach. Fruit. All day I would be trying to maintain my composure and keep my mind off how I was feeling. I am actually good at that ;)
We fly to Guangzhou. I'm worsening. I'm very very sick.
A very familiar sick.
Life has been busy lately. I'm rather clueless as to being late on anything but once I think about it...I panicked.
We went to a pharmacy and I grabbed a pregnancy test.
I have never seen a positive appear so quickly in my life.
And I cried.
Unlike every other positive I've ever seen...I wasn't crying tears of joy. I cried. Cried.
I could not believe it.
I know you are probably thinking...you have 9. What's 10? Perhaps you are not shocked. But we are. SHOCKED.
Because even though we have 5 biological children (and lost 3 pregnancies)...we have not only had to 'try' but had to try with medication each time. The only baby without medication was Izrael. It was a very specific surrender...God told us no meds and that month a miracle happened. Izrael Promise. Our promise baby.
The same horrific pain every month resumed and the same knowledge that we would need medication if we ever chose to go for number 10.
Yes I've talked about not sure if we were done. But I'm young. 2 years?
We are IN China. Adopting 2 children. One with very severe special needs.
I'm throwing my guts up.
Trying to go on group tours, the many smells of China...constantly gasping for air, controlled breathing...projectile vomiting on a bus full of adoptive families would be rather awkward...don't you think?
And the day I blogged about SURRENDER...I wasn't preaching at you. I was pouring out my own heart. When Gwen wrote her comment in the comment section of Surrender post it really hit me. She said if only we'd give up our fear of what others think and embrace this crazy life God has planned for us...
I knew then. And boy did I have to surrender my heart. Each morning I woke praying it was all a dream. Some random, funny, never-would-or-could-happen...dream. And every morning I woke slammed with the reality that this was no dream. This was our reality.
I kept hearing God whisper..."Janice...who are you that you mourn so deeply at the loss of 3 babies ... and now you grieve at the gift of life? Not your time? It's all about you? Your plans? Your schedule? This isn't about you..." and my heart would buckle. Clearly a miracle. Just not delivered on my schedule. At all.
If I were one of you that never felt better than when you are pregnant...this would be much much easier to accept that...9 months from now...we are expanding. But no. I'm so terribly sick that it's a daily surrender. I've never struggled with it when it was my timing. My plan. My control. But this is anything but. (I do go on medication but I'm kind of without that here).
We were going to wait a few months and announce it later and we thought...since you are walking this journey with us...maybe you should know the rest of the story.
So yes. When I ate that chicken that had squacked its way to the kitchen in Zihao's foster home...I wasn't just holding my stomach for obvious reasons...I was very very sick. And I ate it. :) And I forced myself to not think about it.
How many times we've gotten off the bus and I've raced ahead of Dean and the kids in the hotel room to the bathroom...I'm not sure. And I sit here typing this with goosebumps. The familiar chill and head to toe nausea...that I recently thought "I'm not ready to go through that again for a very very long time". yah. Well. Here I am.
And at the end of the day...it's Him we trust. So we are trying to smile about it. We embrace life. This one must be extra special.
Oh. Don't post about this on facebook. Let people come and read about it here :)
Consider yourself to now know...the rest of the story.