Last night I took a few kids and did a bit of last minute shopping. Dean says that God blesses me everytime I go shopping. I think he's right! I walked into Crazy 8 and it "just so happened" that everything in the store was $12.99 or less AND I had a 20% off entire purchased coupon. It's always weird when I feel a little bad for walking out of there paying $7 for full sweater dresses but I get over it ;) Then we did Target and I stepped out on a limb and bought a pack of pacifiers for Taizi. I knew it was likely a no-go but he grinds his teeth so severely that I thought IF he took it...it would help a lot. I'd rather him chew through pacifiers than grind his teeth down to nothing :( I was shocked when I came home and put one in his mouth and he never touched it!!! He kept it in there til his bottle came. Not sucking it but definitely clamped teeth on it and seems to take comfort from it.
We saw a few people from church in Target and if I looked green...I was. It doesn't not matter how much meds I take or how I distract myself...at 5pm it's my peak of sickness and nothing helps. I was praying I wouldn't throw up in the middle of the aisle. It's amazing how many times I control it and the moment a friend leaves the house I violently lose it. :( Well I drove home...gagging my entire way...made it to the bathroom in the house and lost it. Seriously. In the middle of my crying (literally) at how horrendous it was...I thanked God for the miracle of His gift of new life. Surprise new life. Makes me smile at this point ;) I'm now 12.5 weeks. We had an ultrasound last week and the heart rate was 157 and the tech kept saying how healthy the baby looked. Kicking and like all Walker babies in utero....arms over face ;) Since we won't be finding out the gender this time...I do hope we get a nice face shot at the big ultrasound in February ;) It's actually a very neutral place for us...it's been 6 years since we've had a bio baby boy! Yet we have 6 little boys. Our last 2 bio babies have been girls but we only have 3 girls .... so either way we will be over the moon. And ... I'm choosing to be excited about the surprise. It's way out of my comfort zone but so are most of the things in my life ;)
Here's a few pictures of Taizi today that I thought were cute. We seem to get less and less moments of him connecting. Dean and I were just saying how he had more connecting moments in China and now seems more than ever in his own little world. HOWEVER when we came home last night Dean had him crawling for the first time! I know I've said he crawls but I should have explained. He crawls WITH his head. Yes...he faceplants into the floor and drags his head using his back legs. It's painful to watch so we try to go to walking. However there are many reasons developmentally that crawling is so so important so we are working on it. His little posture was perfect I couldn't believe it! His only carrot is his bottle...often quite literally as it's filled with carrots ;) So Dean put his bottle on one side of the room and what was funny is he crawled to Dean for a hug instead of the bottle! It was very cute.
Oh Taizi. You are the daily reminder of where our hearts should be and where God's heart is. With the broken. The hurting. The lost. The least of these. He really does seem like the shell of a human soul...and sometimes I just hurt looking at him. Does he see the love he's receiving? Can he feel the difference in the hug? The care? The attention? I know that God does. God sees every moment and as I read and was comforted by this week in Matthew...what is done in secret is rewarded in Heaven by my Father. So if Taizi never sees...never fully knows...God knows. What is done where no one sees...matters more. No one sees the day in and the day out. The love that is lavished moment by moment.
You know parenting is so rewarding. The growth in your children...the development as they learn from their surroundings. Their character growing. It is so very rewarding. With Taizi...it's different. There's little progress. Little change. I don't want to ever feel like an orphanage nanny. Just supplying the daily needs. I want to give sacrificially. Give of myself even if he never can fully know the depths of it. Give even if he never progresses.
What oh what is behind those eyes little prince...?