Monday, April 8, 2013

3 years. And more.

April 4 was the third anniversary of Chazano and Zunduka's gotcha day.

I know the norm to say is "I cannot believe it's been three years....!" but in the spirit of total honesty...we can. :)

Adoption is more work than anyone can ever prepare you for and is much more worth it than you can ever anticipate.

Both boys have come a long ways in many different areas.

We celebrated. We made a cake. The kids painted pictures showing how happy they are to have C and Z in their family.

My favorite part was before we ate our cake and icecream we prayed around the table.  Chazano and Zunduka were last. No child had any warning it was just "let's do this".

Azlan: "God....thank you for bringing Chazano and Zunduka into our family and they are not orphans anymore. Help them to keep having good times in our family"

Zion " is so awesome that you cared about Chazano and Zunduka long before we knew them. Thank you for bringing them into our family. We love having them as brothers!

Tirzah "God...thank you for loving orphans. Thank you that Chazano and Zunduka are not orphans anymore and thank you for telling Mommy and Daddy this is what you planned for us! "

Azahria "God it is so special that you told Mommy and Daddy to adopt our brothers. We love our brothers and thank you for them. Thank you Mommy and Daddy listened to You"

Zihao (fully prompted) "God...thank you for Chazano and Zunduka"

Izrael (fully prompted) "God. Thank. You"

Chazano: "Thank you God for giving us a forever family. Thank you that they love us and we love them and we now have a family. That is very special"

Zunduka: (mr serious) "God...Thank you that you love everyone. That you loved us way back before we knew You. That you knew we would be in our family with Mommy and Daddy someday and thank you that you told Mommy and Daddy which kids to adopt b/c we are glad it was us".

Seriously. Eat your cake after that! :)  I had such a lump in my throat.

And ... the pain of that day gets less each year. To those of you that have never lost a pregnancy...I know how difficult it is to understand. But ...yes...3 years later and all that has transpired in our family and the loss of that precious baby inside of me in the heart of Africa still brings tears.  The emotions of that day could not be more beautiful and devastating all at once.

He is the healer. He, alone.

Someday I will read Chazano and Zunduka's story. The blog of their adoption. I tried once...when I was pregnant with Izrael and all of a sudden, overcome with extreme emotion I ran into the bathroom. I locked the door...slid down the wall onto the floor and fell into a fit of sobs. Wails.  I could feel the bugs around me in that bathroom. I could feel the complete emptiness that came with the moment I look at our child.  And I relived that moment and wailed as my husband knocked on the door with a quiet voice "janice...janice...are you ok? Can I help...? Can I hug you...?" and I couldn't move.  I was frozen.  After many minutes I got up and splashed cold water on my face. I looked in the mirror...I saw a pregnant belly with a miracle.  Yes...a beautiful baby Izrael was on the way. Yet I was mourning that baby I said good bye to in Africa.

That is the pain of miscarriage.  Each one has its own story.  Each one containing its own hopes and dreams.  Each one...the excitement, the anticipation...turned into despair.  The heart wrenching ... searing loss of knowing the baby was gone.  Gone...but not forever.

Three years later...April 4 has more joy than pain.  But I will never forget.  Never...ever...forget.


  1. I am so glad that the day can be looked back on with more joy than pain…and just to hear their prayers. I am sure that there is much you have not shared, so it must mean so much more to you than even to one just reading it.:)
    Selah has a song "I will carry you". I have cried buckets listening to it, because though their story is different, one can relate to the emotions.
    And…on those days, their last days (with us), and their 'birthdays'…sometimes we're the only ones who remember… no we will never forget.
    love and hugs,

  2. I have never experienced a miscarriage (although almost) or an infant being taken not long after birth, but I've taken note of the pain of those grieving their loss that is no less severe that someone being taken later in life. I hear those who have lost little one's, mentioning their dear little one and forever will remember...their birthdays, and how old they would be, or wondering what they would look like now etc. So I know, that they will always be a cherished and longed for, and mentioned piece of their heart. And rightly so.
    With care and love to you, Linda

  3. Oh Carmel. The pain you have been through. Love you, friend.