Wednesday, July 10, 2013

What if...?

A few days before little princess Nazara was born I felt panic.  Pure panic.

All the 'what if's' hit me like a ton of bricks.

What if something happened in delivery and I was left in a coma?

What if Nazara was born...still born?

What if I bled out during birth?

What if these were my last few days alive?

What if I was about to leave my husband alone with 10 young children?

What if...my children would be raised without a mommy?

What if...?

It felt paralyzing.

I prayed.  I prayed more.  And I had no peace.

I called my good friend.  This friend...is a real friend.  I think most of us would console a friend that was feeling panic about this...just a few days before giving birth...with "no no, your fears are unreasonable! Nothing will happen! You need to be happy right now...this is stealing your joy..."

That is not what she said.

She listened to me pour my heart out and she was silent.

Then she said "ok...let's answer the question, Janice.  What if? Can you answer that question?"

"Would God still be good if this happened?"

"Can you surrender your 10 children to Him?"

"Do you trust Him?"

"Can He be trusted with your family?"

"Do you believe that He alone holds the keys to death?"

And I stopped in my tracks.

Ok.  This is deep.  I needed to go there. All the way there.

Not appease my 'fears' with consolations and pretty words of "this never happens" "it won't happen to you"...but to actually go there.

Answer the question.

What if?

He is still good. He can only be good.  And He must have a better plan for His story than mine.

He absolutely can be trusted with all 10 children and my husband.

Yes. Yes...only He holds the keys to death and gives it permission who it can take.

Yes...it's still all about surrender.

That's when the peace came.

The peace in knowing whatever He allows...is good.  And He is always good. And He only gives good things. Even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.

What if...?

What if.


4 comments:

  1. Yes Yes and double.triple YES! I was thinking exactly what your friend said.to you as I read that. The enemy loves to.have us fear like that, seeing one possible future without God's grace in it. (hugs) friend and thanks for sharing! So.happy about Nazara...what a blessing she is! Janet Richards

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks. I needed this. 15 weeks pregnant with our 3rd, and my mind often wonders down this same path. Thank you for the reminder that no matter what, God is good, and His hands are perfect as they do His work... The fear in "what if" is simply the devil... I must not let him win in the coming weeks and months; my faith is stronger. Thanks again!

    Hugs and love to you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can totally understand "what if?" I think I drove/drive Jon crazy with all my "what ifs" since I've had my blood clots. So many unknowns and all so scary. Of course in my head I know that He is good, and He holds us in His hands. Sometimes I just get so lost in my own head. Someone posted this on FB when I was in the hospital, and I sing it to myself when the fears start to creep in: Even if by Kutless
    "Even though You reign high above us
    You tenderly love us
    We know Your heart
    And we rest in who You are"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beaautiful! Thanks for sharing. It can be a hard place to get to, but the blessings and benefits are amazing when we yield to Him completely. God is always good. He can be fully trusted.

    ReplyDelete