A few days before little princess Nazara was born I felt panic. Pure panic.
All the 'what if's' hit me like a ton of bricks.
What if something happened in delivery and I was left in a coma?
What if Nazara was born...still born?
What if I bled out during birth?
What if these were my last few days alive?
What if I was about to leave my husband alone with 10 young children?
What if...my children would be raised without a mommy?
It felt paralyzing.
I prayed. I prayed more. And I had no peace.
I called my good friend. This friend...is a real friend. I think most of us would console a friend that was feeling panic about this...just a few days before giving birth...with "no no, your fears are unreasonable! Nothing will happen! You need to be happy right now...this is stealing your joy..."
That is not what she said.
She listened to me pour my heart out and she was silent.
Then she said "ok...let's answer the question, Janice. What if? Can you answer that question?"
"Would God still be good if this happened?"
"Can you surrender your 10 children to Him?"
"Do you trust Him?"
"Can He be trusted with your family?"
"Do you believe that He alone holds the keys to death?"
And I stopped in my tracks.
Ok. This is deep. I needed to go there. All the way there.
Not appease my 'fears' with consolations and pretty words of "this never happens" "it won't happen to you"...but to actually go there.
Answer the question.
He is still good. He can only be good. And He must have a better plan for His story than mine.
He absolutely can be trusted with all 10 children and my husband.
Yes. Yes...only He holds the keys to death and gives it permission who it can take.
Yes...it's still all about surrender.
That's when the peace came.
The peace in knowing whatever He allows...is good. And He is always good. And He only gives good things. Even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.