Today I was chatting with a lady briefly who has a son with mental disabilities. She sounded tired. Exhausted.
She said something that summed it up pretty well: "with our healthy children, life got easier as they got older. With our son...life gets harder as he gets older. Because he gets bigger, heavier, harder to manage. It's really...really...hard."
As she talked about her son...I have to admit...my mind started to dream a bit. She was saying how he can only read/write at a kindergarden level and he's 10. And that's probably his ceiling.
Yes...right away my mind started to dream of Taizi. Read and write...? At any level...? That would be...amazing.
I shared with her something that someone once shared with me.
What if you stopped seeing his disabilities...and started seeing him as a way for you to love Jesus...? Don't read that as a cute little christian-ese challenge that holds no weight. I had to have a defining moment. A moment...on my knees. With my heart crumbled into many pieces. Joy...at the risk of leaving the scene for good. Begging God for direction...answers...and just plain peace. I live this. In all it's struggle. This isn't easy. Isn't natural. Want to know what it is...? It is life changing.
The defining moment that removes all need for answers. All need for clarity. All need for happy skippity feelings. It's not about that. It's about loving Jesus.
I adore our children. They are easy to love. They receive love and they love back.
It's not a challenge.
There's daily growth and progress and there is definitely joy.
Taizi...is hard. He's hard b/c he's not on our track of moving forward. He doesn't go at our pace. He doesn't comprehend...
You may not think you have "Taizi" in your life...but I think you do. You have someone or something that could stretch you. Could. If...you loved them. If you stopped and had that defining moment...the moment when you realize...it's simply not about you.
What if that's the secret...? It's just not about you. And when you have that moment of realization...you might feel a little lighter. A little free-er.
We just moved this last weekend. Tomorrow we go back to Seattle Children's for surgery for Taizi. His infection isn't going away and they want to operate on it. So while he's out they will do ear tubes as well.
It's simply not about me.