Saturday, September 27, 2014

But ... why does it need to be changed?

Tonight Azlan and I were sitting together and talking.  He seemed quiet. So...we were chatting about everything that has recently happened.

At one point, he said "but why did they do it?" Fully assuming he was asking about the surgery yesterday, I went into 8 year old detail on what happened to the implant and why it was very important that it needed to come out.

He let me go through everything then stopped and said "no...not that.  Why did they do it in the beginning?"  Ohhhh. That.

So I went into detail about when he was born with the cleft lip and palate...he was also born with a hole in his gums (jaw).  And how they need to take bone from his hip to patch the hole.

Again he listened to me ramble on and then said " why does it need to be changed? That's my point. The hole. I loved that."

Oh. immediately had such a powerful application that I simply pulled him into a hug.  Yes there's an answer...but to him...there's a question.

And I got it.

It's all he ever knew.  It was a part of just who he was.  He was born with it. Why did it need to be changed anyway...?  I saw into his heart...and it was real simple: "you could have avoided all of this.  Everything that happened...was because you are trying to change it and patch the hole. Why? I liked it."

As I hugged him...I got it.

I saw the bigger picture. He can't see it. But I can. And you can.  You are probably baffled right now at how an 8 year old, brilliant boy...would even consider not wanting a huge hole in the very visible part of his mouth... fixed.

But wait...

God sees the end from the beginning. And He puts us through the fire...with an end product all planned out.  Yet we see the fire. We see the pain. We see the process. And honestly...we don't get it.  We like the way things are. The way we are. It's all we've ever known.  Why the pain? Can't you save us some of that...? Especially since...we like the way it is.

And God is going "ooohhh no.  No, no.  See ... the way it is...isn't going to work.  Yah...I know it's all you've ever known...but trust Me...I have something SOOOO much better. This pain and stuff you are going through in order to get there...?'ll see. You'll see. I promise's worth it."

But maybe instead of the eye roll and the lecture of how short sighted we are...and the laugh out of the corner of His mouth...maybe...just like I did with my son today...He just pulls us into a hug.

"It's ok. The answer can wait.  Right now...I get it.  To you...right just don't see what I see. But'll see."

All that's how it ended with Azlan today.  There is a bigger picture. We all see it.

He doesn't.

Why the hassle...? Why does it need to be changed...? He likes it perfectly the way it is.

But we know...we know there is much better. There is not an ounce of hesitation on our part whether we should proceed or not.

Is there...?

We know with the pain, the set back, the recovery, the risks....the everything that comes along with this path...we know the end so very far...beyond where he is today.

And...just like does God.

Azlan was so sincere. It was so heart felt. I wished he had asked me days and days ago...because this was clearly the deep question that he was baffled by all we were putting him his mind...for what? Why does it need to be changed?'ll see.

You'll see.

And so will you.  You'll see how it had purpose.  How the comfort you found yourself in before it all there was so much more for you.  And you'll look back...just like Azlan will....and go..."ohhhh.  Now I get it.  Now I see."


  1. This picture of Azlan just really pulled my heart strings. Like Marcus, I don't usually post on blogs either but this post made me weep. God bless Azlan, you and your whole family today. Still praying.

  2. Wow! This thrilled my heart. It coincides with a study I am doing right now. Thank you for being a part of God's message to me.
    I love that dear boy. God bless you all.

  3. Hazel I love that picture of him too. It was just before his second surgery and it was the most adorable smile but the tears weren't far away. Shortly after this, he cried.

  4. Hi Janice, I have not read in several days and just now did so--heartsick at what Azlan has gone through. He seemed to be doing so well! I can only imagine how hard this must be for all of you and I will be praying for peace, healing and understanding. What a wonderful photo of your handsome, brave boy!

  5. Lori...thank you! Kathleen...humbled to be apart of anyone else's journey. XO

  6. Thinking of your sweet Azlan... hope he is doing well.

    Selena Bragg