Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'd be lying.

If I said I was doing ok right now...I'd by lying.

That's the truth.

The lump in my throat has turned to watery eyes. And a stomach that is flipping at all points in the day.  I feel like I could ... be sick.

Yes this is where I'm at with Azlan's surgery coming up.

I've been dreading this day for far too long and it's here. It's here. It shouldn't be here yet.  It wasn't supposed to be here for a few more years. But it's here. The severity of the issues in his mouth has pushed it up much sooner than we anticipated.

Today he had a dentist appointment for a chunk of his tooth that fell off. Glad we found this now as it would be awful after his surgery.  Dean took him to the appointment while I did school with the others.

Azlan came home different. He had his hands in his pockets. He was quiet.  He looked awkward.  He was very subdued. When I asked how it went, he said "good".  He looked down a lot.  I saw watery eyes.

Dean said he was like that from the moment they left.

He knows it's coming.

No...please don't let his spirit be shaken. Please.  We have worked so hard to make him know just how special he is.  Purpose.  Plan. Special.

The lump in my throat got bigger.  I feel sick.

Yes I could tell you all how strong I am...but I'm not.  This is my son. This is the baby I've fought for from his first heartbeat.

This is hard.  It was hard at 5months...but here I am with him at 8 years...and this is much harder.

He knows. He ... knows.

This is his biggest surgery yet. His most painful. The longest recovery.

Bone taken from his hip and implanted into his mouth.

Crutches and drinking liquids for months.

Oh Azlan.

It's not a dead end.

I'll keep telling myself that.  Someday we'll look back and see that amazing empathetic heart he has and know it's all been worth it.

There is always purpose.

Nothing is wasted.

Even my tears.

We can do hard things. We can do hard things.

We.

Christ in me.

We.

We can do hard things.


7 comments:

  1. oh I am praying for your boy.... your strong courageous special boy... for you, as I can not even imagine. x0x

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  2. Being a patent is SO hard. Bless your hearts!! Praying for strength and comfort for you both as well as a speedy recovery for your sweet boy. Sending love and hugs!

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  3. Praying for your sweet boy. Praying for you. Praying for the doctors.

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  4. Tears as I read this and my heart feels your fears! They are normal and natural! We don't want to see our children or grandchildren hurting in any way! Praying for him and for you all as you face this surgery, knowing that the very God of Heaven is more interested in it that you are and He loves your little guy so much!

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  5. Oh, Janice! My heart breaks to know how much you hurt. God sure knew what He was doing, giving Azlan to such a tender hearted Mama! You and Dean have repaired Him for this time, just as God has prepared you. When you realize what this will all mean to him as he gets older, it makes you realize that it is worthwhile. One day, Azlan will look back and say, "Thank you for being so strong and for supporting me and giving me the courage to go through all the hard times." And one day, you will tell God the same thing. I am lifting you all up in prayer. I really believe that Azlan will be a Daniel and be used by God for great things. Love you. <3

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  6. Dear Janice, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family...and especially, will pray for brave Azlan! I know you know this but God has this! He will uphold you in your weakness and comfort you all in your fear. Azlan is so loved by Him! He will not let you down!

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