If I said I was doing ok right now...I'd by lying.
That's the truth.
The lump in my throat has turned to watery eyes. And a stomach that is flipping at all points in the day. I feel like I could ... be sick.
Yes this is where I'm at with Azlan's surgery coming up.
I've been dreading this day for far too long and it's here. It's here. It shouldn't be here yet. It wasn't supposed to be here for a few more years. But it's here. The severity of the issues in his mouth has pushed it up much sooner than we anticipated.
Today he had a dentist appointment for a chunk of his tooth that fell off. Glad we found this now as it would be awful after his surgery. Dean took him to the appointment while I did school with the others.
Azlan came home different. He had his hands in his pockets. He was quiet. He looked awkward. He was very subdued. When I asked how it went, he said "good". He looked down a lot. I saw watery eyes.
Dean said he was like that from the moment they left.
He knows it's coming.
No...please don't let his spirit be shaken. Please. We have worked so hard to make him know just how special he is. Purpose. Plan. Special.
The lump in my throat got bigger. I feel sick.
Yes I could tell you all how strong I am...but I'm not. This is my son. This is the baby I've fought for from his first heartbeat.
This is hard. It was hard at 5months...but here I am with him at 8 years...and this is much harder.
He knows. He ... knows.
This is his biggest surgery yet. His most painful. The longest recovery.
Bone taken from his hip and implanted into his mouth.
Crutches and drinking liquids for months.
It's not a dead end.
I'll keep telling myself that. Someday we'll look back and see that amazing empathetic heart he has and know it's all been worth it.
There is always purpose.
Nothing is wasted.
Even my tears.
We can do hard things. We can do hard things.
Christ in me.
We can do hard things.