Tirzah came with me yesterday. She didn't come in...but she came to the hospice center. She knew where we were and she knew what happens there.
I told her about my friend. I told her how old she was. My daughter is 11. So at first...as we all thought at 11...she said "oh, I didn't know she was that old" but then I told her that 41 is only 4 years older than Daddy. That changed everything.
She knew how many kids she has. And how old they are. She listened as I told her how sad this was.
My friend is dying of cancer. Honestly...I should have expected what I saw...but I didn't.
My poor friend who was with me. She all but had to close my mouth for me as I stood in total shock. I could see no resemblance of the beautiful lady I had seen not that long ago. She looked thin. Frail. And really old. It was heartbreaking.
Her breathing was so spaced that there were a few times my friend and I thought she had just breathed her last. Awful. We stood there in total silence. In awe of what cancer can do to a young, healthy, vibrant woman.
On our way home, Tirzah and I were silent. There wasn't much to say. I couldn't really talk. Tirzah knew I had just seen my friend and she said several times "I'm sorry, Mommy".
I looked at her and said "Tirzah...is He good...?'
There was no gap. In fact, she whipped her head around from looking out the window and said, without hesitation..."Always Good, Mommy"
Tirzah: "Always. He can't be anything else."
Me: "But she's dying. She's laying there dying."
Tirzah: "I know Mommy...but He's good."
Me: (taking this as far as I could to stretch her as much as I could) "If it was you in that bed...would He still be good....?"
Tirzah: "Oh Mommy...yes. He would still be good"
Me: "If it was me...?"
Me: "But why would He..."
Tirzah: (she cut me off) "You know He doesn't make Cancer, right...? He doesn't give bad things"
Me: "Could he stop it though...?"
Tirzah: "Oh He could have stopped it long before it started!!"
Me: "but...He didn't"
Tirzah: "I know. He didn't"
Me: "and if it were you in that bed..or me...or my friend. Why. Why didn't He stop it? Is there purpose in everything?"
Tirzah (At this point we had just pulled into her driveway and I'll never forget this moment...) She put her hand on the handle of the door...she looked over at me boldly and said " I don't know what His plan is...but I do know He's always good. He can't be anything else. And sometimes He says YES when we pray sometimes He doesn't. I don't understand it all but I know He's always good Mommy" and she hopped out of the van, smiled over her shoulder and skipped into the house.
Yes I was pushing her. I was trying to see what she really believed.
I sat in the van for 5-10 more minutes. Still so sad for my friend's family. But struck with the raw faith of an 11 year old girl. Who had just entered into the horror of that being her or her mommy in that hospital bed.
Understand it...? No.
Waver in His goodness...? Not a chance.
He is always good.