And somehow this total realist managed to completely block February 3rd out of my mind.
Until the phone rang. And when the plastic surgery nurse hung up, I sat stunned.
I've been sitting here in an odd silence ever since. Teary eyes. Stomach in knots.
Whether I count down or not...I can't keep February 3rd away.
Azlan's second bone graft surgery. Yes he was only supposed to have one. But the first one, despite all of our attempts, had to be removed due to infection.
They will go into his right hip bone this time, take bone out and implant it into his jaw. His gap is very very wide. Over an inch wide at the base of his nose. It's a lot of bone. Every plastic surgeon that came in same the same thing with the same expression "we were not prepared for such a huge gap and a huge amount of bone to be used."
How have I pushed this out of my mind? Was that the best choice? I'm a realist. I deal with things head on. Give me the facts. The pros. The cons. And let's go. But this time...I've willfully chosen to just not think. Surgery...? What surgery...?
As I was sitting here with teary eyes....it hit me there have been other February dates I've dreaded. I decided to look back at Azlan's blog. February 4, 2008...was the day we found out Azlan was completely totally deaf in his right ear. That was a day I'll never forget.
Going back the year before...February 6, 2007...was the date they took that perfect face and transformed him. I will never, ever, ever forget that day. Or any of the emotions surrounding it.
Here we are. Years later. February 3, 2015. I'm dreading this day too.
And in my stunned silence...I hear that sweet voice whispering to my heart.
10 fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I am with you. Don't be afraid. Hard things...? Oh yes. I didn't promise otherwise.
Then it hits me again. He didn't promise no hard things. He promised he would be with me IN the hard things. Storms? Yes. Pain? Yes. Heart ache...? Yes...Janice. Yes. I'm sorry but ... yes. BUT...wait for it...I'll be with you. I will make you strong. I will help you. I'll hold you when you cannot stand. I am with you.
Weak made strong in the Savior's love...
Through the storm, He is Lord...
Lord of all!