This one for me...is almost crippling.
I've only identified it recently...I thought I had a newer fear of flying. Then the same fear creeped in...while in the mall at Christmas time. Then again when Dean and I went to watch the movie Unbroken (please...watch it).
The same fear.
Obviously...couldn't have been a fear of flying.
So I really started to think.
What am I so afraid of...?
This fear...this crippling, life altering fear...is the fear of being trapped.
I find myself searching for the nearest exit when I'm in a store. I felt pure panic being in the theater watching Unbroken. It was dark. There were people behind me. I wanted to be in the back row but that was too far from the exit.
Flying. I realized this when I thought about flying in Africa in a 4 seater plane, IN the rain...we were bopping around like a tin can. And...I was not afraid. What...? But put me in a huge, way safer plane with 350 strangers and I'm gasping for air.
Who in their right mind would knowingly trap themselves in a tube at 30,000 feet with 300plus total strangers...? Especially...today?
I find myself analyzing everyone that steps onto the plane. I look into the cockpit as we get on the plane. Trying to see the crew.
We just flew to Florida. I did amazing the whole way there and we had some rough winds on landing in Atlanta. Normally me and turbulence...yah. But on the way home. It was different. I was so overtired. I always go on little sleep but I was running on very little from the start of this trip. We went to bed at 1am...got up at 4am for our flight. And yes while we landed in the evening...we were now 3 hours difference and we stayed up late. Then on our time...were eating breakfast at 5am. Maybe it spiraled from there.
On the big flight from Atlanta to Seattle it was 5 hours. I couldn't see down. Seeing down...is like sitting in the back row of the theater to me. Somehow it makes me feel a tiny bit in control. It was thick cloud and the panic set in. I literally was shaking. And combining that with fact I knew I had no way out for 5 hours...
I was praying just to see down. Somehow that would make it easier. My mind was racing.
I opened my phone and read a Max Lucado devotional. It ended with this verse:
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you should be afraid? Isaiah 51:12.
How's that for hitting you right between the eyes?
I do believe there's a lot of scary stuff out there. And in turn...a lot of people I have no desire to hang out with at 30,000 feet...with no escape.
Who am I that I should be afraid...?
I'm not in control even when I can see down. When I am right by the exit. If I did interview every person before they walked onto that plane.
Dean looked over at me and said "Wow...what changed?"
Reading someone else's fear is always a little strange. Trust me...sharing it with the world is even worse. Even though mine is something you may not relate to...we all have fears. And in the end...they all do the same thing. Rob. Steal. Destroy.
Jesus spoke many, many times about not being afraid. He knows us. He knows our weaknesses. He knows me. He knows mine. And yet He still says "Janice...no fear". In fact, He goes further than that. "Who are you...that you should be afraid?"