Choosing to let peace reign. When life is pure chaos.
Choosing kindness. When the situation deserves otherwise.
Choosing joy. When the skies are so grey.
Choosing hope. When your foundation is no longer secure.
Ever feel overwhelmed?
Yes. Yes...you do. And...yes...so do I.
I don't wear a Super Woman cape under it all...no...I don't.
These last few weeks, I have cried. Weary, hopeless, overwhelmed...tears.
Ever been there...?
Taizi is now gaining weight. Or was. But we are in a catch 22. He no longer wants his food. All he wants is his liquid food. It's like a milkshake to him. 400 calories. Pure sugar and carbs and plenty of not-so-healthy stuff.
So we separated it. Food. 2 hours later, drink. 2 hours later, food, etc. So that he's hungry at each interval. Still not really working. He has thrown the food. Into the nearest bin. Garbage. Toilet. You name it. Many times, it's not exactly recoverable.
And the diarrhea. There is no way this is acceptable. The child has been having straight diarrhea for weeks. They changed his formula for the rx drink. It's worse. Pure liquid. 10-12 times a day. It's so bad, he's playing in a pack and play in the living room b/c every few hours he explodes all over the place and we don't exactly wish that on the carpet. What are we being told by the medical team "well just keep feeding him what you are feeding him". Awesome.
We are working hard at our house. Dean has worked so hard. Framing is done. Roofing is almost done. Now the sub contractors come in. We have a lot of work to do to get ready, pick and purchase the flooring that we will be installing.
This is the fun part of our life right now but with everything else on our plate...definitely feeling it.
Then the adoption. Oh my heck. Our dossier is done and mailed off to our agency today. Things have changed over the last 3 years!! Either I have chosen not to remember or this process is way more intense. From notarized documents being filled out incorrectly. To police departments refusing to fill them out. To finding out the notary notarized me instead of the doctor's signature. To flagging people down, begging them for 5 more minutes.
We have applied for so many adoption grants and while this is an amazing gift, that this even exists...it's a lot of work. Now we sit and pray that we receive grants to off set the costs.
Starting school in the house we don't wish to be in. In the garage. Yes. That's where we have our school room. It goes from way too hot to way too cold. How I wish we could just scrap it all and start in January in the new house...but no. Choosing to keep living life right now, even when it's less than ideal.
Planning a series of appts for our kids at Children's hospital knowing Azlan may have a huge jaw surgery before the end of the year...and my heart immediately beats at an abnormal rate. Just don't call them. Just don't book the appt. Maybe they forgot. No..Janice. No. He needs this. And you...you are equipped to do this next hard thing.
Choosing courage. Choosing peace.
Literally picture yourself standing at a fork in the road. You choose where the next step goes. It is a choice.
I choose peace. Sometimes it's easier to do with a cup of Pumpkin flavored coffee...there's no doubt. Definitely easier with a good friend. Absolutely.
I went out for coffee with a friend last week for 4 hours, long after the cafe closed, we sat in the dimly lit parking lot. Crying. Praying. Sharing our burdens. I don't walk this journey alone.
Perhaps what I most wish you could see as you think Janice Walker is oh-so-much-stronger-and-braver-than-you ... is the army of people that love me so deeply...so fiercely...that fight for me. That help keep me focused. Keep my eyes on Jesus. The friend that when I'm overcome by fears...looks me in the eye and says "ok Janice. What if. Let's go there. What if this fear becomes your reality...? Is God still good? Is He still true...? Is He still trustworthy...?" Yes. That friend. I love her so deeply for speaking truth into my life and not what I want to hear. She doesn't bandaid my fears...she reveals them for what they are. Lack of trust. Lack of faith. My eyes off Jesus.
I choose to be real. To be transparent. To put my walls down with people who have shown themselves to be safe.
I choose surrender in the midst of my hard for the 100th time. I can do hard things. I can. I can do hard things because of Christ in me. I'm not caving. I'm not flailing. I am stronger than my fears. I am able to choose peace and joy and love when it's the furthest thing from natural...because I surrender to Him.
I choose love. Not the love that first comes to mind. Want to know something...? That love is never a choice. That's a natural response. Mmmm...true. The love that can change your life forever is the love you choose. I choose love. You don't choose something that is a natural response. That's not a 'hard'. Love is a verb. Love is a choice. And it's a hard one.
Today...when each individual hard in my life feels so big...I choose Peace.