I need it today.
Janice...do not become weary. Do not become weary ... in doing good.
Have you ever done something for a long time and you just grit your teeth and get through it...then as soon as there is hope of things changing...light at the end of the tunnel...you find it so hard to keep going?
Like when we moved into our small rental home very, very temporarily...but it dragged out much longer than we thought. And we did it. Without complaints. Until now. The house is almost done. The light is at the end of the tunnel. We can see the end...and suddenly..it's so very hard to be ... here.
That's where I am with Taizi. Suddenly...it feels even harder. We still have a very long road ahead to get help and care. No prescriptions can be given quite yet. Whether I agree with it or not...it's the way it is. SO yes, he still woke with new bruises on his face this morning and he has been hitting himself ever since we left Children's on Monday. It's a process. And now we get to the back of the line.
And somehow...it's much harder now. Now that I know I'm not crazy and that his needs are profound...now it's much harder to wait.
Do you relate with that at all?
Something I've realized in writing my thoughts for you all to read...is that though our circumstances vary greatly...often the same lessons are being taught. Whether it's being stuck in the land in between in your living arrangements...your job...your marriage...
Do not...become weary in doing...good.
But...I am. I am weary. I am... tired.
When Taizi threw his breakfast on the floor for the fifth time this morning... and I calmly pointed for him to get down to the floor to get it...and he's shaking his head and limbs and hysterically laughing the whole time...and whacking himself so hard I'm ducking to not get hit....then he dumps his water on him and me...
We are on minute 55 of just trying to get food into him this morning....
I fall back to my knees. My head in my hands. Just...sitting.
In that moment...I hear a soft, gentle whisper of a good Dad who loves me so deeply.
"Oh Janice. Do not...become weary. You are doing good...do not allow yourself to become weary..."
Suggesting somehow...that I have control over it. Hmmmm.
Or do I?
If He says "do not..." then surely I have control over it happening or not...right?
I smile. Perhaps only inwardly. Put my shoulders back...remind myself that I can indeed do hard things. Even this. And I can do it...without becoming weary. I can be whole hearted. Not robotic. No. A whole hearted do-er.
My brain rapidly searches for things to be thankful for. They won't be related to breakfast. Not today.
But...I did walk into his room as his pajamas and blankets were thrown out of his bed and the diaper was inevitably next. And it was full of explosive diarrhea. SO yes. I am thankful I walked in in THAT moment. Just before the next step happened. I can choose thankfulness there.
As I sit reading Galations over agin...it hits me that someone else needs this message today. No...you don't have a Taizi. But you...you are weary. And you feel yourself giving in.
Help is coming.
And if you cannot see it...please...please just go walk in your front door and look up. Look up into the sky. It's so very big. And suddenly you see how very small you and this situation is. If God can keep all of that in control...surely...you situation is not too big for Him.
Yes. Yes I do that...lots. In my despair...I look up.
Psalms 121:1. One of my favorites.
I look to the hills...where does my help come from?
Do not become weary in doing good. At the proper time, we will reap the harvest if we do not give up.