Thursday, October 29, 2015

Do not become...weary.

Today this verse has played over and over in my head. It has been a few months since I read Galations...so I will take it as a whisper from God.

I need it today.

Janice...do not become weary. Do not become weary ... in doing good.

Have you ever done something for a long time and you just grit your teeth and get through it...then as soon as there is hope of things changing...light at the end of the tunnel...you find it so hard to keep going?

Yeah. That.

Like when we moved into our small rental home very, very temporarily...but it dragged out much longer than we thought.  And we did it.  Without complaints.  Until now.  The house is almost done. The light is at the end of the tunnel. We can see the end...and suddenly..it's so very hard to be ... here.

That's where I am with Taizi.  Suddenly...it feels even harder.  We still have a very long road ahead to get help and care.  No prescriptions can be given quite yet.  Whether I agree with it or not...it's the way it is.  SO yes, he still woke with new bruises on his face this morning and he has been hitting himself ever since we left Children's on Monday.  It's a process. And now we get to the back of the line.

And somehow...it's much harder now.  Now that I know I'm not crazy and that his needs are profound...now it's much harder to wait.  

Do you relate with that at all?

Something I've realized in writing my thoughts for you all to read...is that though our circumstances vary greatly...often the same lessons are being taught.  Whether it's being stuck in the land in between in your living arrangements...your job...your marriage...

Do not...become weary in doing...good.

Ahhhh.

But...I am.  I am weary. I am... tired.

When Taizi threw his breakfast on the floor for the fifth time this morning... and I calmly pointed for him to get down to the floor to get it...and he's shaking his head and limbs and hysterically laughing the whole time...and whacking himself so hard I'm ducking to not get hit....then he dumps his water on him and me...

Weary?

We are on minute 55 of just trying to get food into him this morning....

Weary.  

I fall back to my knees. My head in my hands.  Just...sitting.  

In that moment...I hear a soft, gentle whisper of a good Dad who loves me so deeply.

"Oh Janice.  Do not...become weary. You are doing good...do not allow yourself to become weary..."

Suggesting somehow...that I have control over it.  Hmmmm.

Or do I?

If He says "do not..." then surely I have control over it happening or not...right?

I smile. Perhaps only inwardly.  Put my shoulders back...remind myself that I can indeed do hard things. Even this.  And I can do it...without becoming weary.  I can be whole hearted. Not robotic.  No. A whole hearted do-er.  

My brain rapidly searches for things to be thankful for. They won't be related to breakfast. Not today.

But...I did walk into his room as his pajamas and blankets were thrown out of his bed and the diaper was inevitably next.  And it was full of explosive diarrhea. SO yes. I am thankful I walked in in THAT moment.  Just before the next step happened.  I can choose thankfulness there.

As I sit reading Galations over agin...it hits me that someone else needs this message today.  No...you don't have a Taizi.  But you...you are weary.  And you feel yourself giving in.

Don't.

Hold on.  

Help is coming.

And if you cannot see it...please...please just go walk in your front door and look up.  Look up into the sky.  It's so very big. And suddenly you see how very small you and this situation is.  If God can keep all of that in control...surely...you situation is not too big for Him.

Yes. Yes I do that...lots.  In my despair...I look up.  

Psalms 121:1.  One of my favorites. 

I look to the hills...where does my help come from? 

Do not become weary in doing good. At the proper time, we will reap the harvest if we do not give up.


8 comments:

  1. Beautiful Janice!! Such a good reminder and great encouragement. Our God is so big and He has all the answers for us in His precious word. Thanks for sharing. Praying for you as you do hard things.

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  2. Oh, Janice... Thank you seems so inadequate for letting you know how grateful I am for your words today.

    About an hour before reading your words, I had just said those three words to my husband... I am weary. And while it is/was a true feeling today, it is not a state of mind in which I will stay. His mercies are new every morning, and I rest in His faithfulness to provide me the strength I need, even when I'm weary.

    Over the past few months, there's been a dark cloud over our house, due to things out of our control. My husband has been the strong arm to help me up, and when I grow weary, looking up, as you said, truly brings comfort. The physical motion of looking up to thank him, even on my knees, or ask him to help me, is very empowering... I can do hard things, just like you. :)

    Thank you for sharing your faith so well. And for sharing our Lord. And thank you for the encouragement. I really like you... A lot. ;) And wish I could hug you. Thank you... I will pray for you.

    Love from Memphis, Tennessee!!

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    1. Oh Selena, my friend. Praying for you. Feel free to email me janice.walker@me.com

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  3. You are so right... even though the situation isn't the same, so many of us are having our own weary moments and need to be reminded to "look up."
    I wish I lived closer to you, Janice because I truly would go over and help give you guys a break! I think you have been struggling through Taizi's issues for so long that your mind, body and spirit have been on overdrive so to speak and the other day when a professional validated your feelings and affirmed that yes, this IS hard and not only does Taizi need help but the need is profound, it sounds like every cell in your body breathed a sigh of relief--only to realize " help is coming but it's not here yet. We have to wait some more." During those times it's easy for us to lose sight of the help is coming part of the message and focus on the wait. Try not to lose sight of not only the help that is coming but especially the Help that has given you the strength to get this far and is SURELY strong enough to get you through the days to come! I will try to do that too! Praying for you my friend! Lori

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    1. Lori, I keep looking for your email address. email me janice.walker@me.com <3

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  4. Just wondering if you've tried this: get a one-piece fleece pajama with feet and a full front zipper. Cut the feet off and put it on backwards. The zipper is on the back, where he can't get to it. You can also place a diaper pin through the zipper pull for extra childproofing. I know you live in a warmer area (I think??), so the feet being cut off helps with him getting too warm. The arms can also be cut off. If those jammies aren't readily available there, just let me know and I can buy some here in MN. and ship them to you.
    Sorry this is 6 weeks later, but I'd love to help in any way possible. Your family touches me deeply, strengthens my faith. Your children are beautiful, as are their parents! ;) I would like to know where you buy your eyeglass frames. I like every single pair that both you and your hubby wear. Know that my prayers are specific, for your adoption, your new home, ALL of the paperwork on both and for healing for Taizi. Also, Strength, Protection, Patience, Peace, Wisdom and Financial needs to be poured out on your family. Love in Him, Our Lord Who Knows and Answers our Prayers. - Jo

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    1. Jo...yes. And you wouldn't believe it but he gets out of them!! I'm not joking. He's very double jointed and without a camera in his room, I have no idea what that process looks like but he gets out of them zippered and snapped backwards. We are in WA state and it's not warm and sunny in the winter so we do wear the footed ones. Even in the summer with AC in the house, he wears them all year round. The doctor @ the Behavioral Clinic @ Children's said to then also put a strip of duck tape around under his armpits, (not tight). He hasn't yet figured out how to get out of that.

      Thank you for your warm comment. Thank you for following our journey. Humbling to hear I can impact another mama to keep looking up and always, always have Hope. XO

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