Wednesday, December 23, 2015

"Mommy...Am I otay...?"

Nazara is 2.5 years old.  She's the baby of the family.

She had a head cold and went to bed at her normal bedtime.

It was about 11pm and all of a sudden she cried out "Mommy...!! Where are you??" :)

I ran upstairs and laid down beside her.  She scootched (yes, it's a word. In my world anyway) in close.  She went to sleep. She was breathing very heavily, not stirring a bit.  All of a sudden, she spoke up.

"Mommy...? Am I otay...?"

My eyes popped open. I was wide awake.  But it was a "did she really just say that?" moment.

I quickly answered. "yes, my love. You are okay".

She said "Otay Mommy. Otay" and went right back to sleep.

I laid there for the longest time.  Smiling in the dark.  Holding my sniffly 2 year old girl in a half hug.

I knew that message was for me.  How my 2 year old, in her sleep stupor, had just spoken directly to me...was a gift.

Here's what I knew in that moment. just need to be told you are ok. You are going to be ok. And you are going to make it.

Ever been there?

Come on. I know you have.  If you haven't...someone you love, has.  And they simply need to be told..."you are ok".  I realized holding Nazara close...she just asked what I was asking...without ever using the words.

Don't read too much into this.  There's no hidden meaning here. I'm being transparent and real.  I have a lot on my plate right now.  The mortgage paperwork is making adoption paperwork look like a walk in the park. And that...that's saying something.

I find myself questioning if we'll ever get in the house, yet knowing deep down that we will.  There have been random, even crazy...bad news days.  Then there have been gifts and blessings that have left me spell bound.  There have been tears and questions...and then there has been peace. Peace that God brought us here not to drop us and leave us.

And all along I didn't realize until the moment my baby asked it...that my heart was crying out to God asking "am I okay...?"  Longing to hear the whisper.."ah my love.  You are totally ok. You are going to be ok. And you are going to make it. I got you."

I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I laid there processing what had just happened.

It's been a long season of waiting.  Of working. Of....striving.

At the end of the day...I just wanted to hear that soft, sweet voice that calms every fear in my heart. "oh Janice.  You are totally ok. And are going to make it. Just like you always do. We got this."

If that's you...then this message is for you.  You are going to be okay.  Whatever is happening. Whatever is burdening you. are okay. You will be okay.  You are going to make it.


  1. Yes. You will be ok. And my current worries. They will be ok, too... And although I know that, deep down I'm also asking the same question. Tears are flowing as God also spoke to me through your girl. I needed this today, Janice, and I thank you for being real. Although I dont *know* you... I love you. :) Thank you for blessing me this night. Much love from Memphis, TN! And Merry Christmas!! xo

    1. You and me both. We are going to be okay. We need to be 'real' friends. I can tell we'd be kindred sprits. XO

  2. Definitely been there Janice and it is very sweet to know everything is going to be ok! You will be ok! Been praying for you that everything will work out and especially the mortgage paperwork. Hugs my friend! Thx for sharing,

  3. Thank you for sharing this message sweet friend. I love and appreciate your honesty and transperency! You are ok, I'm is good & beautiful, even when it feels like chaos...God is good.

  4. God's timing is impeccable --and yet again it seems He used one of your posts to bring me some hope. Can I also say (in light of my current situation) that I just LOVE the relationship you have with your children! You and your husband speak love, faith, respect and so many good values into and over them. You pray with them and for them. They are so blessed to have you two as parents, Janice!
    My little Scotty (nephew) has been abruptly taken by his mom who is an alcoholic/addict and has anger issues. He is Nazara's age but has some developmental delays. They left New Year's eve morning with a strange older man. We miss him terribly and the sheriff tells my brother there is nothing they can do. They are not married and in the eyes of the law, both parents have equal rights. As a Christian, I am supposed to love and forgive this woman. HOW do I do that, Janice when I know my nephew is sleeping in a stranger's home and when I have no idea what or who he is being exposed to? If I could, I'd bring him to you even if it meant he would be away from my family because then at least, I know he'd be safe! I would take him in a heartbeat and give him love, faith and safety but I don't know that we will get that chance. Much of my family is so dysfunctional--they would love him dearly but with some, it would likely not be in his best interest until sobriety and therapy happens.
    I long to be able to hold him again--and to believe that it's gonna be okay!!! Not even for me, but for him... God please keep my Scotty safe!!