Trying to breathe deeply.
ZhenAi is really struggling. It's hard to tell exactly what is happening but it's increasing. Is she grieving? It seems more like she's realizing this isn't a field trip and she wants to go home and she's really freaking out. She stares at the window and points and then starts to wail MAMA as she points out the window. She is NOT talking about me.
Today has been interesting. She does best when out but by tonight we were a bit afraid she was going to melt down out in public b/c when she does...ayyyy.
As I type, she is in bed fully clothed. She does not want those pajamas and I almost got kicked in the face. Music is playing on Dean's phone and she has finally quieted.
This afternoon she completely melted down. We needed help and called our guide. She tried and tried to talk to ZhenAi on the phone but she was adamant she was NOT coming to that phone so we had to carry her to the chair so she could actually hear the speaker phone. Our guide was amazing and talked to her forever. ZhenAi just sat wailing...then sobbing...then crying...then she stopped.
A few hours later and we were back to the same place again. She is glaring at me like how dare I take her mama's place.
I'll be honest...what a strange place to be in. To know you are rescuing a child (not from her foster family...from her future as an orphan)...to know you are helping...loving...providing something she cannot even fathom...and yet to be treated like you are stealing her.
Ever love someone and they reject you...?
Yes I know this isn't about me. I got that. I'm also processing through all the emotions of this journey. Good thing I do know that it's not about me. Because this would be a wake up call if not...!
I've barely gotten a smile in the last few days. Not for lack of trying. If I could read her expression it's "not a chance are you going to be my Mama!" It's lovely.
Just because I CAN do hard things...doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't make it fun. Easy. Enjoyable in any way.
I can do them. You know how I know that? Because I've done them before.
Leaving me to conclude I CAN do them. Because I have. And the reminder is good for us all. It acknowledges two important facts: some things are just plain hard. Let's not sugar coat it. Hard. Not fun. Not exciting. Not positive. Hard. You wouldn't choose it. You don't want to go through it. But it's what is in front of you.
But...it also acknowledges that you can do it. You can decide ... you can surrender...you can. Choice.
I can not because I want...but because it's right in front of me and I see no way around it.
I can do hard things.
Today mid afternoon after melt down #2...Izrael yelled out to me and I go look to see ZhenAi has taken all (yes...ALL) of her clothes off and is totally naked. She's laughing. I'm not. My heart is pounding. I get her clothes off the floor and give them to her motioning for her to put them on and she pushes it away, puts her hand up to stop me and shakes her head no over and over.
I had to tell her sternly she needed to put her clothes on. She put her lip out in the biggest most exaggerated pout you can imagine and finally obliged.
I don't know what that was about and perhaps I don't want to.
Then came meltdown #3. #4. #5. And now we are ending the day on a number I'm not sure which.
I wish I knew what she knew and understood. My heart tells me she does not understand. That this is not 'grief' but confusion. I could be wrong but it seems like she thought she was a on a little getaway with this random family and it's been fun...but it's time to wrap.
I try not to ask questions of God. Especially the questions I know He won't answer.
So I pray...sometimes without words. Sometimes simple one word prayers like "help....!" sometimes two words: "help....please...." I try to put my questions into statements: "you are here..." but often end them with "...right...?"
Tonight it's way-too-strong-coffee...a heavy dose of chocolate and my faith. My faith that even now...trumps my fear.
Always. Always choose faith over fear.