Tuesday, March 15, 2016


I don't have a lot to say tonight. I had a hard day.  I'm completely sleep deprived...I cannot sleep. Yes I have essential oils and melatonin and all things helpful to normal people who's brains shut down ... but not for me.

It's now 1:30 am and here I am again. Awake.  I didn't fall asleep last night til almost 5:30am.  And then woke at 10 for the day. So I'm going on very little.  And I feel like sleep is hours away.

Tonight I just fell apart. I cried and cried and cried and cried.  Not about the adoption. About other things.  I just cried.  And cried.

Did I say that I cried...? Well I did.  Then I went for an amazing bubble bath in the most amazing bath tub ever (not the most elaborate but the most amazing  because I dreamt of this one for 2 years and found the best deal...and a gorgeous, fancy (super cheap but don't tell anyone) chandelier hangs over it...and ahh. I digress. Where was I?

Oh my brain is all over the place. Yes...the bath!  I had the most amazing bath ever...something like that. And cried the entire time.

Then I came out and had coffee and Cadbury mini eggs. Because...that's what you do, right?

Ok. It's what I do.

Anyway. I'm here. I'm not crying. Neither am I sleeping. Which may...help with the crying. Though that has it's own reasons.

The day went wonderfully.  ZhenAi is a doll. She really is. She adores Tirzah. She just beams with her and Tirzah treats her so gently.  She's so patient and kind with her.  You wonder what kids with special needs have done to our family? You should come visit.  They have softened our childrens' hearts. Taught them real love.

When ZhenAi tries to say a word as they coach her, it's horrible pronunciation and slurred like crazy and guess what they do? 10 and 11 year old boys and 12 year old girl...? They cheer and clap. It makes my heart go all kinds of crazy.

ZhenAi did melt down several times today just sobbing.  But she lets me help her now. I came to her, rubbed her leg. Told her I was sorry she was sad. Asked if I could get her an apple...a drink...her baby doll to hold. And each time she let me bring her out of it.

She went to bed without any fight and really is doing amazing.  Today in the kitchen I motioned for a hug and she nodded. But I waited. And inch by inch she came towards me until she was standing close enough for my arms to go around her.

So tonight...it's love.

A house full of love.  I think you may envision chaos and clamor but it's the furthest thing from it here. It's full of laughter. Smiles. Sometimes tears. And always love.

Even if I don't have sleep. I lay here with so much love.


  1. I can't sleep either! I didn't fall asleep till nearly 6 am and now am back up a little over an hour later! Ugh! And I can't even blame jet lag. Hubby and I and one of my older sons have really been talking a LOT about your words, about THIS being Gods Story. I don't know you, but I feel like your words are echoing in our minds and has brought forth major conversations within our family. Who do we want to author our stories? God or ourselves? How should Gods story play out, look within our family? Just all around great conversation, all because of your blog. Here, conversations always end up meaningful, etc...but YOUR words have given us a fresh perspective of meaning! So...Thank YOU! Hope you sleep soon and crying and taking a bath sounds like a great idea....with so much emotional energy going on in your life, it would seem only fitting to have such emotion, awe, and relief mixed in with the jet lag. Each adoption we do seems like we get softer, more in tune with ourselves, our family and God. Adoption truly brings out all kinds of feelings and taking that time for yourself is SO important! And processing out the day with chocalate..even better! :)

  2. Chocolate, and nice bath and a good cry.... sounds about right. ☺ emotional overload.... it's nice to know I'm not the only one who tackles it this way! Sleep has been evading me also this week... i will pray for a good night's rest for you. Lauretta.xx