I don't have a lot to say tonight. I had a hard day. I'm completely sleep deprived...I cannot sleep. Yes I have essential oils and melatonin and all things helpful to normal people who's brains shut down ... but not for me.
It's now 1:30 am and here I am again. Awake. I didn't fall asleep last night til almost 5:30am. And then woke at 10 for the day. So I'm going on very little. And I feel like sleep is hours away.
Tonight I just fell apart. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Not about the adoption. About other things. I just cried. And cried.
Did I say that I cried...? Well I did. Then I went for an amazing bubble bath in the most amazing bath tub ever (not the most elaborate but the most amazing because I dreamt of this one for 2 years and found the best deal...and a gorgeous, fancy (super cheap but don't tell anyone) chandelier hangs over it...and ahh. I digress. Where was I?
Oh my brain is all over the place. Yes...the bath! I had the most amazing bath ever...something like that. And cried the entire time.
Then I came out and had coffee and Cadbury mini eggs. Because...that's what you do, right?
Ok. It's what I do.
Anyway. I'm here. I'm not crying. Neither am I sleeping. Which may...help with the crying. Though that has it's own reasons.
The day went wonderfully. ZhenAi is a doll. She really is. She adores Tirzah. She just beams with her and Tirzah treats her so gently. She's so patient and kind with her. You wonder what kids with special needs have done to our family? You should come visit. They have softened our childrens' hearts. Taught them real love.
When ZhenAi tries to say a word as they coach her, it's horrible pronunciation and slurred like crazy and guess what they do? 10 and 11 year old boys and 12 year old girl...? They cheer and clap. It makes my heart go all kinds of crazy.
ZhenAi did melt down several times today just sobbing. But she lets me help her now. I came to her, rubbed her leg. Told her I was sorry she was sad. Asked if I could get her an apple...a drink...her baby doll to hold. And each time she let me bring her out of it.
She went to bed without any fight and really is doing amazing. Today in the kitchen I motioned for a hug and she nodded. But I waited. And inch by inch she came towards me until she was standing close enough for my arms to go around her.
So tonight...it's love.
A house full of love. I think you may envision chaos and clamor but it's the furthest thing from it here. It's full of laughter. Smiles. Sometimes tears. And always love.
Even if I don't have sleep. I lay here with so much love.