Can I take a day off blogging?
This would be that day. My heart felt like it was shaking throughout the day yesterday. We did fun things. ZhenAi had moments of wonderfulness. Yet my heart was ... shaking.
This reminds me of when Tirzah was 3 days old. All of a sudden it hit me and I don't know if it was post partum depression or just emotional crash but it happened. For three days I cried at everything and everyone and my life felt like a blur.
That's what yesterday was like. We did amazing things and made amazing memories and all the while my mind was racing...my heart was racing and inside I felt like I was dying.
ZhenAi definitely has developmental delay. We knew there was possibility of this with her brain MRI reports in her medical file that show "strange sheet like appearance". I think because of parenting Taizi and how hard that has been for me and the total surrender needed daily and the daily sacrifice of myself and how it's not natural for me....and ...
Can't you feel my heart racing? My palms starting to get sweaty?
In a moment it's so easy to look at only what you can see.
No...God...please...not development delay. Please. You know I'm not super human right? You know how frail I really am...right? Please God...please...
Then I remember. How crystal clear He was when He called us to her.
Yes...she's beautiful. Yes...she's special. Yes...she's worthy. Yes. I'm not saying no to any of that. I'm not saying no to anything.
I'm merely being open and vulnerable and extremely transparent.
So today...I'm blogging about my heart. Not about our day.
Many of you have shared your stories of adopting a 2, 3 or 4 year old with me. And while I appreciate the sentiment...I too have adopted young children. Even "old" children...our twins were almost 6years old. There is zero comparison to adopting a 12 year old child. She's almost a teenager. It's a crazy journey. For her and us.
Today we were talking with another family and together it was easy to conclude she was never given much attention. No education. Yes, you read that right. No schooling whatsoever. She has no concept of drawing or writing. No numbers, letters etc. Nothing. Very, very small vocab in her language. The guide says she kind of says the same words over and over and they are very slurred. There is a definitely slurring of her words. For example if we say " say please" she says "peasssssssssseeeeeyyyyy" and really drags it out. Every word. It's almost as if she was written off and a child that would never amount to much so she wasn't given the help. And oh...that's all about to change. She has so much potential. So very much.
She's beautiful. She's ours. Her whole life is about to change and so is ours.
Thanks for walking this journey with us in some small way. We can do hard things. And God has called us to hard things. There is no question.