That's where I am right now. The winds are vicious. The waves are making me shake. Every question is screaming in my brain. All the 'what ifs'. Everything.
No this isn't about ZhenAi. No this isn't our marriage. This is about one of our adopted children. Their past has surfaced for the first time and it...it is a storm.
And if you were here...you would see little sign of it.
The turmoil is on the inside. The panic surfaces when all the little people said "amen" one last time at the end of the day, had their foreheads kissed, their blankets tucked in tight...and the lights turned off.
Am I equipped for this battle? Can I do this? This...?
This morning in church we talked about the storm.
You know. The story we all know so well. That storm. The storm when the disciples were in the boat. And they were freaking out and then to top it off they thought they saw a spirit walking on the water.
But..it was Jesus. Of course He showed up. He always does. In fact...He promises never to leave.
And today it was brought out that He calmed the turmoil of their minds and hearts before the wind and sea. Hmmm. Yes. This was a moment for me. He wants to calm our hearts...our fears...our anxieties before He touches our circumstance.
Then there was that moment of Peter in bold faith...following Jesus' "come" and steps out off the boat...and walks on water.
He did! Until...
Until he saw the wind.
My mind went racing to this storm we are in right now. Oh God has been so present in this story. It's His story. I've always said that. He called...so clearly. Each time. Each child. We answered.
And now ... this? What...? Why...? I can't! I simply...cannot.
And everything inside me is questioning everything I absolutely know to be true.
You called us here...? To this...? You really think we can do this...?
As my husband sits beside me with no fear. No anxiety. He looks at me and says "this child is in the right family, Janice. This is where they should be and we are going to do everything we can to help him. God has not left us. He's here. He knew we would be here...and He's here". Even here.
Have you ever noticed in your life...not in some fancy little christian cliche but really...truly...experienced...how in the darkest storm of your life ... when your faith is tested beyond it's capacity...you get to know your God like you didn't know was possible this side of Heaven? When comfort and peace are the furthest from any natural part of the process ... and yet you experience it...?
Three nights ago I had a dream. A dream that I went to the mailbox on a dark day where I was questioning everything...and there was an envelope. No note. Just an envelope with a check folded inside. I opened it to see a large amount. Then I woke. What was that all about? No explanation. Just random. A random silly dream.
It was just that. Until yesterday. I stopped at the mailbox and saw a small envelope in there. It looked empty. I opened it to see a folded check...no note. A check. For the exact amount that it was in the dream. I have gone to look at this in my purse about 15 times since then to see if I dreamt the entire thing. Was it a dream? A ghost on the water?
No. Jesus in my storm.
The most silent of whispers. Just letting me know...He's there. He's here. In this storm.
We ended the message this morning with this song.