A friend (who does not know what we are going through) messaged me this link today.
I read it. Then I read it out loud to Dean.
We were both just quiet.
Few things have been so perfectly written for where we are right now. All of it.
After I read it I remembered blogging several years ago, shortly after adopting Zihao and Taizi. We were at the Oregon Coast. I can feel the moment.
Dean and the kids were sitting by the fire on the beach, it was dark. I walked to the shore. I heard God speak. Yes...I did. Audible...inaudible...I would never say which. I just know I heard him. For sure. So much so, that it startled me and I whipped my head.
"Janice...I have such great things in store for you..."
I still remember thinking "YES! It's finally my turn for easy street!!" I mean, let's be honest. The last several years have been one hard surrender only to be followed but a much harder surrender a few years later. And ... repeat. Hearing that great things were in store for me...I mean, really. This...this was what I was waiting for!
I remember my heart sinking. No...please no. This is much too heavy. No...please. And at the time...had no idea what He was talking about. Assuming it was the daily hard of parenting a child with profound special needs.
Now I'm there.
Today, we played music as Dean was making breakfast. This song came on. It's old. And every single word hit me as if I had written it myself. This...this is where I am. This is exactly my cry. Right now.
Take a minute and read about The Gift.