Sunday, December 25, 2016

Hope was born.

It's Christmas Eve night.

My house is quiet. Azlan is finally asleep after just returning from the ER for a rather terrifying asthma attack.  Three full nebulizer treatments later, oral and inhaled steroids and we are home.

This year has been traumatic for our family.  You know that.

But we are not the only family that has suffered this year.

There are so very many.  So much sadness. So much pain. So much...loss.

Perhaps things have been 'merry and bright' all year long for your family, and if so, I'm sincerely glad.  This post might not mean much to you, if that's the case.

For our family...? No.

In the quietness of this this beautiful tree, with the sound of my snoring kids sprawled around the living room tonight...I wonder.

Did it all happen? Is this really where we are? Is this truly our reality?

My head starts spinning.  My heart beats much faster.'s true.

All of it.

Just a few days ago, I sat on the floor with one of my older kids. Holding hands, tears streaming down both of our faces, we promised to never ever stop fighting.  He...with a deep feeling heart like his mama, had just said "I feel I just can't do this"...and I assured him I understood that completely.  Yet his 'this' seems so manageable compared to mine.

It doesn't matter, does it? We all have a 'this'.  And in that space...'this' feels too much. We can do anything...but 'this'.

My 'this' and yours this year, I could guarantee are very, very different.

Yet, our journeys have probably led us to a similar place.  A place of brokenness.  Hearts that feel they are half beating.  Minds going non stop.  Time in a noisy blur.  Late night wide eyes as you question everything you once knew.


Somehow, days pass.  Perhaps...miraculously.   Days just keep passing.  And what you didn't think you could see that have 'done'.

So many have whispered to us that time heals.  Does it...?

In my story...I've seen that time can have the opposite effect.  Time has deepened my pain. Time has made my vision more acute.  Time has allowed the numbness to wear off. The shock of the horror of it all.  With time passing...pain deepened.  The awareness of where we are...and why.

For me? There's no comfort in time moving on. With our without my permission.   No.  Time won't heal my 'this'.

Tonight...I sit here, trying to imagine a world in all of it's stillness.  Doubtedly December 24, but it was an evening. It was a 'night before'.  It was a moment in time...right before everything changed.

What was the world like that night?  Unaware...moving along...time racing at the very same speed as it is tonight.  Oh...the night before.

It's easy for us to minimize what happened that day.  A baby.  Born to an unwed girl.  "In a barn" as my 3 year old would say.  But it was so much more.

That was the night that Hope was born.

Everything everyone longed for. The emptiness that people feel today going through the mundane...they felt then too.  We were created for so much more.

As I sit here tonight...deep in thought about all we have miraculously's all because of Hope.  My Hope that as anchored me in the greatest storm of all (my) exactly what we are celebrating tonight.

Jesus came.  He came.

He came.  Heaven and Earth truly collided.  Heaven chose to come down.  And in that moment...Hope was born.

This Christmas, for many reasons, is deeply emotional for our family.

This Christmas, more than ever before...we celebrate Hope.  That Jesus came...lived...and then chose the ultimate sacrifice. To die.  To change our forever.

We can face our 'this'....our tomorrow...because Jesus lives.  Because Hope came. Hope died. And Hope rose again.

For those of us that have shed tears this Christmas...I don't know your story.  Mine isn't the same. But I, too,  have sobbed leading up to this day.  What do I even do with the old memories? My brain doesn't know what steps to take.  Do we start new traditions? Do we carry on with the old?


Merry Christmas.  May you find the courage to face your 'this' because of Him.  And all of that started with Him coming to earth. One 'Christmas Day'.

This morning my friend asked me if I had heard this favorite song of hers. I just listened to it with chills. I wish I heard it weeks ago.  It's perfect. For us and so many of you.


  1. Dear Janice.... i was so excited to see you had a new post... now im tryi g to i notice your pictures are updated.... and two children seem to be missing.... ohhh I am trying to keep it together and begin to get a tiny glimpse of your year.... I pray for you, your family, your children. Lauretta

    1. Thank you for praying and in some tiny way ...sharing in our heartbreak. So much deep pain.

  2. I follow your blogs and I am freaking out seeing your twins are missing. I hope and pray that they are okay!?!?

  3. I have followed your blog and been praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for the trauma and sadness that you are going through. Your twins are on my mind in my heart. I pray for peace, hope for all of you.

    1. Thank you for praying. If you have been reading over the last 8-10 months...I've eluded to the complete nightmare we were living. There are no words to adequately describe what we have survived. Someday I'll be able to go public. Until then, please pray for us. The twins are safe and ok. We are trying to survive.

    2. Survival... I have learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't!! Don't ever forget that.. that's what us mamas do! Prayers on your journey... I hold you in my heart!

  4. Oh, the hope. The Hope… we would be nothing without that Hope. So beautifully written. Bless your sweet hearts. Each and every heart under your roof, and those two sweet hearts you're holding so closely to yours. I am so sorry for whatever has caused the loss of your beautiful boys. My prayers will now be more specific. I do hope they're "ok". And I hope you're feeling well with your pregnancy, what a special gift. A gift of Hope. May this year be a year of healing… of some sort… and may joy and peace fill your home and heart, once again. May the Hope continue to carry you. You are a precious inspiration to me; thank you for sharing your family, even through the darkness. Praying. xo

    1. What a sweet message. We have survived pure horror as I've eluded to for months. The twins are ok and safe. We are trying to breathe. Horror upon horror.

  5. I'm continuously amazed by the strength of your connection with God, and your utter faith in His good. It's very hard for us human beings to see the good in things that bring pain and suffering. Sometimes it's beyond us. Sometimes we see it years later. Sometimes not until we meet Him.

    1. Meriem, that was one of the most encouraging, sweetest comments. You made my day and breathed life into me. I feel like I'm barely surviving some day...what a rollercoaster these last several months have been. Thank you for giving me hope.