Thursday, January 19, 2017

"It wasn't worth it, Mommy!"

Each night I read 3 chapters of the Bible to the older 3 kids.  Tirzah reads on her own and she's ahead of us.

We just read through the story of Joseph.

When we were done, Zion (11y), looked at me...with a lot of emotion on his face. "It wasn't worth it, Mommy!"

I felt like I could hear the pulse in my temples as I tried to appear totally normal and ask what he meant.

" know. Joseph.  I mean he was thrown in a pit by his brothers. Sold as a slave.  Then thrown in jail for something he didn't do. For TWO WHOLE YEARS. Then the man he saved by telling his dream...forgot about him for another long time. Then after he finally gets out...he's second in charge of all Egypt. And it's an amazing story...but it wasn't worth it.  Like...if I were him, I wouldn't look back and go 'yeah...I'd totally go through that all again to be where I am now. I just wouldn't.' "

And I knew he was talking about so much more than Joseph.

His eyes were kinda glossy. Azlan looked at me and said "I'm totally with Zion on this". I quickly assured was I.

So I spoke about the very large, scaly, elephant in the room.

I put my hand on Zion's knee. He looked away.  We were all talking about us, not Joseph.

As I was reading the story...I couldn't help but see the similarities to our story. But they are children.  I thought they were taking it at face value.

I spoke up.

"We will never, ever, ever, ever, ever....ever....say it was worth it.  Never.  No matter what God does with our story and how he redeems it. It will never be 'worth it' in our minds. The ends won't justify the means.  We will always be heartbroken over our story. Always.  But.."

There were now tears.  Azahria was weepy.  Azlan was looking back and forth at Zion and Azahria watching how they were doing. Zion's eyes were full...on the verge of spilling over.

"God will redeem. It's what He does. He can take any mess meant for evil and make something beautiful.  But it won't lessen the pain.  It won't erase the horror.  It just won't.  But it will still be beautiful. Somehow. Someway. It's just what God does. Just like with Joseph. He had to leave the room to sob.  Years later. Now in a whole different position. The emotion was right there."

Zion looked at me. "Yeah. You knew what I was talking about all along, right?"


Dean said to me last night..."someday this will all be a memory. A horrific memory...but a distant horrific memory." And I long for that.  Because right now? My heart physically hurts.  It hurts.  Some nights...? It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think.  It hurts to remember. It hurts to not remember.  It hurts to smile.  It just hurts.

I think I'm used to hard things and pain that get better and easier with time.  But this...? No.  Not this.

Time reinforces our reality.  I don't know how to see the last 6 years.  I can't unsee them.  I can't un-remember.  And my memories are so very different from what we now know was our reality.

I have always said that my strength and my weakness are the same.  I am all or ... nothing.  Awesome when I'm all...right?  I've worked very hard to be all. All...not nothing.  And for the last 6 years I can honestly say I gave all. 100%.  I loved with abandon.  I gave everything.  100%.

So...right now? My heart is 100% broken. 100% shattered.  All.

The depths that I feel this horrendous loss is so extreme.  I've never said "I can't..." so much in my life.  And some how, some way...I find the strength to find my "can".  Even here.  Even in this.

How will God redeem this story? Each piece of it? So very complex.  Yet, He knows. All of it. And all of us.

Though I will always say "it wasn't worth it"...I pray the pain someday...somehow...lessens. As God continues to write this story.  Each story.


  1. I haven't been reading lately...but before I "catch up" totally I just wanted to let you know I will continue to pray for you and your precious family... I'm so sorry things are so beyond hard right now and I wish it were different for you.
    I love the new photos of the kids--they are beautiful/handsome--and looking so grown up compared to the older photos you had up!
    Wish I had more encouraging words but kind of running on empty right now. I'm sorry... Seems like hard stuff is all around lately.

  2. Dear Janice - I do not know the story and I don't need to. But, I do know. I see the absence. Missing faces. I have lived through similar things in my childhood. The pain and anger is SO big in the newly discovered secrets. You know what? Our Father God does Redeem and Restore the broken hearts and spirits. I am and have been praying (since your trip to the ocean) for Healing. For lives to be changed. For the hearts of all who live in your home to seek and find Peace. For all eyes to be opened for the Good things that are much bigger than the old yucky stuff. Your Babes are so precious. All of them! It touches me to hear that you are reading the Bible to your older kiddo's each night. Healing will come and there is no better place to learn about restoration and forgiving. Sending a hug to each of you. - Jo

  3. Will you share what happened on your blog one day?

    1. It doesn't take a great leap of the imagination to put it all together. Though the level of horror is more than most of us can fathom. The time is not right to share yet.

  4. Janice,
    You are right! If two kids aren't in a family's pretty obvious some horror took place in your family. But, for me I don't have to imagine as we too are living our own horror. Granted, this child has not likely done what I imagine has occurred in your family..due to our child's severe disability...still horror comes in many different forms. Our horror is having our family nearly ripped apart by outsiders. We have been isolated, blamed and vilified over our child's disability. It's been nearly four years of trying and it's only been The last six months that others have finally gotten that we are NOT the problem. Janice we too gave it are all and loved with abandon, but in the end..sometimes all is not enough and the reality of the TRUE situation becomes apparent and the other kids are in jeopardy of true harm. And again harm comes in many different forms. Our harm was primarily mental, verbal and social...and had it been physical harm done to my kids, we would not have continued to try. But then again, physical harm in a way had occurred as when multiple people in our family meaning everyone BUT the child enters severe deep depression and no one even desires to live anymore...we knew we had a serious problem. While our child could only deliver daily doses of misery towards us, outsiders and even family were the ones dishing it out, burying us in total despair. No one got it but everyone was indeed an expert. There are mentions of 12-13 diagnoses and likely RAD and our child encountered much abuse and neglect in the hands of an understaffed orphanage, but somehow no one took that into consideration. Somehow we were at fault. Janice, I pretty much think I know what happened in your family. I just want you to know, do NOT blame yourself. You gave these boys a family and loved like Jesus. You gave these kids your heart and you couldn't have known what was happening. We adopt with humble, pure intentions and in hindsight we think, we should have done things differently but what is done, can't be changed. Oh how I wish it could all be undone. Because your son is right, is wasn't worth it! But I have had to cling to the scripture that we will get double for our trouble and that God redeems, restores and that he will bring beauty from all the ashes heaped on all sides of us. That somehow some good will come from all the pain. But our Mama heart has such guilt that we could not have prevented the pain that was to come. I know my other children are forever changed by these horrible circumstances but We are finally coming out on the other end. We still have this child, but we refuse to allow her issues or others Nasty opinions or attacks to destroy us and our attitude shft has ultimately ended the majority of our pain. We just had to get to a point that our families welfare came ahead of the ensuing chaos that had had become our life. God will give us a new story and one we can see has hope again. God Bless and praying.

  5. I am so very sorry for all you have been through and are going through. You will all be in my prayers.

  6. I'm there. I can't say "it was worth it." But I can say I know God will redeem it, because it's who He is. A friend sent me your blog and it resonates so deeply. Thank you for putting it out there.