I have dreaded this weekend for a long time. As it came closer...it got worse. And truly it did. Friday morning was one of the scariest moments of my life...and that's saying something. Then Saturday. Oh..the Saturday before Mother's Day. That is 'the day'. The day everything changed.
Mother's Day last year was spent doing unfathomable things. It's crystal clear and yet all a blur in my mind. I can feel each moment as time stood still...yet it's all blurring into a fog that only profound trauma could do. And last year's Mother's Day was spent making memories. Because I was relentless in my pursuit of not having more days of our lives stolen.
Today after church, we stopped by Costco. Dean and the older kids ran in to grab a few things. I was in the van with the little children.
It was in this selfie moment with our 7 week old baby...that I stopped in my tracks and said, out loud "ahhh...redemption".
So today...at the end of this day...I find myself doing what I have my children do...often. Thinking of what I'm thankful for to get my focus off of all the hard. It's not easy making new memories. It's not easy working so hard all day long to push out the horrific memories that are forcing their way in to steal your day. Last night I got a hot bath and cried. It hit me that one year before I came running into that same bathroom to sob on the floor...and a few minutes later Dean had joined me there.
I know we often feebly attempt to comfort others with trite thoughts like 'give it time...' 'time heals'... and honestly perhaps enough time hasn't passed for me to know. But I can tell you that in our case the more time that has passed, the more the reality has set in...the deeper the pain. The deeper the trauma.
I don't know the why. For now..I've stopped asking. That is something time may reveal. I do know this last year has taken its toll on us all.
But today...? I saw a glimpse of redemption. Topaz Treasure. Collateral Beauty. Treasure out of the ashes.
Next year...I hope I remember this moment on Mother's Day instead of the horror of 2016.