Our life came to a crashing halt. And it was the worst of the worst of the worst...yes, of the very worst... of all of my fears combined. And...nothing could be worse. It was it.
All we did was take the necessary one step at a time...sometimes choosing to just keep breathing to survive it.
But this week I've been thinking...in hindsight. Woah.
What was horror then...was only the beginning. And had I known then...what I know now...? I may not have survived it.
While I wished at the time I had known it all immediately...I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge there's no way I could have handled it all then.
The horror multiplied. And then again. What we didn't think could ever get worse...did...indeed.
But this makes me think how looking back...the gift of one day at a time...saved me.
If you are like me...and like to at least feel like you are in control (silly...silly me) then you want the full view right up front. Tell me what's coming, tell me all the bad, the good...just lay it out on the table. I'm a realist...I can take it.
No...no...I couldn't. And though that part of me still struggles with not having known it all right up front...it was God's grace that we didn't.
Could it be that the slow unravelling of all we once knew to be true...is one of the core reasons we've survived...?
Today. Today is all we've got. Each stage along the way...I've only had 'today'. I had no idea what would unfold 24 hours later. I had what was right in front of me...today. And now only a tad bit removed from the situation...I can see that was one of the greatest gifts along the way.
God only gave me 'today'. One day to chew off at a time. One day to process...feel...hurt...forgive...love...at a time. Just one. I could have never handled even two.
We all know stories...people...who have perhaps been diagnosed with cancer. The first time they fought with everything in them. Gave it all they had...and they survived. A few years later...the horrible news came again. It's back. And they pick up their fight and go for it. Every day being a choice to survive. And how many times do you hear those stories of people that have fought 2-3 times over their life? Had they known with the first diagnosis that there were 2 more coming in the future...do you think they would have fought as hard as they did? Or was it the gift of one day at a time?
We think we can handle the future...but we cannot.
I cannot. I could not. And here with my head finally above water more than one inch...I can see that. I can see looking back that though my 'need to know', 'ultimate realist' personality hated never knowing what was around the corner...in large part it's what kept me breathing. I only had one day to get through.
One day to fight my hardest for what matters the very most. One day to love 100%. One day to be intentional. One day to laugh. One day to cry.
Thank you God...for the gift of a day at time.