Monday, July 24, 2017

Four months.

March 23.  

It's really been four months.

Ever try so hard to savor something that you feel it just keeps slipping out of your grasp? 

Yeah. Me too.  

In a way, that's a good summary of the last four months.  Yet...I have savored every moment.  

This precious little bundle that...in many ways...saved me.  

Gave me a reason to keep eating.  To try to keep sleeping.  And then...one of the most surprising gifts was how getting up with her in the middle of the night to feed her...somehow kept me out of a deep REM sleep and the horrific nights ended. Abruptly.  That..was amazing. 

I went from shaking in the night, waking screaming...sweating...convulsing...to being woken by the sweetest newborn cry and dragging myself to the rocking chair to feed her. Where all I could see was a sky full of stars out our window. 

Who knew...that a nocturnal little tiny newborn could save me from the trauma I dreaded every single night as the sun set?  

There's so many times I catch Dean just smiling at me across the room...as I coo at this little face.  

He knows. I know.  We all know.  

The gift out of the ashes.  The gift we had no idea we needed.  The collateral beauty.

Oh Topaz Treasure.  I love her little face when she wakes from a nap (as her Mama does, by the way)...still kind of grouchy, puffy eyed but lights up into the most beautiful smile when her eyes catch mine.  I love how she talks and talks and talks to Tirzah. I love how she laughs every time Zion comes near.  I love how she watches as Nazara sings song after song to her all day long.  

If you have more than one child, you have likely wondered if you had the ability to love the second as much as the first. Remember those days? You smile at them now because...well...now you know.  You know that your heart somehow grows and is simply capable of more love than you ever dreamed. 

Well in this pregnancy, I honestly feared if my heart was capable.  I had been through so much pain. SO much loss. So much grief.  I was broken.  Could I feel all of those wonderful things again? What if I couldn't?

And then she arrived.  And every fear just melted in the first moment. I was going to say...at the moment I saw her. But I heard her so much early than I saw her. I couldn't even open my eyes for, what felt like, minutes. I was crying too hard. But I heard her and I was holding her.  And I felt like my heart doubled in size.  Again.

Topaz.  Since the day she was born, people have commented on our "little redhead". I would laugh it off but here we are...4 months later and she's definitely strawberry ish.  Bright blue eyes.  A smile that lights up her entire face.  And one look at her and I melt all over again.  

I am so thankful for this child.  This gift given...at the very hardest time of our lives.  And I...I will love her forever. 

2 comments:

  1. What a beautiful girl you have! So glad you have her. We hope to have another treasured child someday to replace the daughter we have had, but never really had. I can imagine how healing it must be to have something so amazing in the midst of great horror and pain. You have a new beginning that is propelling you into the future and it's what we all need in times of great suffering. God definitely gifted you your sweet girl as he knew you needed her. :)

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  2. We recently "lost" a child after trauma in our home, and are expecting a new gift, too. Thank you so much for sharing these words. I have had the same questions -- can I have the same joy, or am I too broken? And then I think, God redeems. This is a GIFT. Your words were a balm to my heart; thank you!

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